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Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What are the Odds?!

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Michael available, please."

Me: "Michael is totally available. Are you available?"

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I sure hope so! Hi Michael, this is Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium."

Me: "Wait, your name is Bernard?"

Telemarketer: "That is correct."

Me: "And you're calling from 877-***-****?!"

Telemarketer: [pause] "Um, yes. That's our main number."

Me: "You've got to be kidding me. I was just about to call you!"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Yeah, you're right here on my call list for the day. 'Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium at 877-***-****'! What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "Wait, YOU were supposed to call ME?"

Me: "I know, right? I feel like I'm on an episode of Lost or something. This is truly amazing!"

Telemarketer: "Why were you supposed to call me? I don't follow."

Me: "I'm in outbound sales as well! What are you selling?"

Telemarketer: "We do sales for a number of companies and products. You had my work's main number listed as my point of contact? Do you have my last name on that list as well?"

Me: "No, but you know how those lists can be. They're always incomplete. Hey, I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about our new promotion over here at GFY Media Group."

Telemarketer: "GFY Media? I've never heard of it."

Me: "Really? We're a publishing house that specializes in niche magazines. I was going to call you today to see if you'd be interested in a special promotion we're running for our flagship publication 'Plumper Dumpers'."

Telemarketer: "What's that? Plumper Dumpers? No, not familiar."

Me: "That's odd. It says here on my list that you inquired about a subscription on our website once but never followed through with it. Anyway, I'll tell you a little bit about it."

Telemarketer: "Um...OK?"

Me: "Plumper Dumpers is a magazine dedicated to ex-child celebrities that have gained a ton of weight since reaching adulthood. You can get them to do these interviews for nickels, it's great. What we do is interview them, talk about their careers now versus how then, and then it goes into a full pictorial spread where we time them to see how quickly they can eat a KFC Double Down while they get fucked in the ass with a splintery table leg. Tina Yothers is absolutely dominating the leader board."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "That being said, you'd be amazed at how many people read it just for the articles. So how many years can I put you down for?"



  1. I think this is your best one yet, I know I say that after each one, but dude that takes some serious thought to give such great responses!

  2. My only fear is that these are embellished or not real at all. Either way, it was worth the wait for this post.

  3. You should totally try to sell a telemarketer something that sounds legit! Something like this but with a product that might actually be available and interesting. Keep up the great work though!

  4. I just read this 6 months after you posted it, after being 'sent' here by
    I've read a whole load of this site, all brilliant, but had to say 'well done' after reading this post. Superb work!
    I'm off to continue reading Older Posts now. Thanks again!