Pretty Kitty

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! Do you mind holding on a second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, no problem!"

Me: [puts phone down] "Who's daddy's little pretty kitty? Is it you? Are you daddy's special little pretty kitty?"

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that. Yes, this is Michael."

Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. My name is Roger and I'm with Unfocused Marketing, LLC. How are you today, sir?"

Me: "Oh I'm good. Hey, do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. That's fine."

Me: "Great, just one second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Oh you are just the prettiest little kitty kitty kitten. It's true! You are! You are just a precious little bundle of love. Yes you are! You want a little sweet treat? OK, he's a little sweet treat for little kooky kitty. You don't want it out of my hand? Here, eat it right out of daddy's mouth. Theeeeere you go. That's a good pretty kitty. Om nom nom."

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry about that, Roger. What were you saying?"

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael. I'm calling today to introduce potential customers to a wonderful special we're running on MoneyWasters Magazine that could get you up to 30% off a yearly subscription."

Me: "Wow, that sounds like a great deal! I hate to do this to you again, but do you mind holding just one more time?"

Telemarketer: [feigning empathy] "No problem, sir. It happens. Take your time."

Me: "Thanks for understanding, Roger. It'll just be a second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Is that a little poopie on your lil' button nose? Baby pretty kitty munkin' butt, you are stinky! Does't kitty daddy have to give you a bath in the sink? Oh yes you are. Kitty is going to get her little pretty kittie patootie nice and shiny for kitty daddy."

Telemarketer: [muffled laughter]

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry, Roger. I'm back. No more interruptions, I promise."

Telemarketer: "You sound like you have your hands full over there."

Me: "You know it, Roger."

Telemarketer: "New kitten?"

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Telemarketer: "Are you taking care of a kitten over there?"

Me: [pause] "I'm talking to my grandmother."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "Hello? Are you still there, Roger?"

*click*