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Wednesday, April 11, 2012

You Have Been AlvinBoarded

Telemarketer: [recorded robot voice] "Hello, a representative will be with you in just a moment."

Me: "What the fuck? I just picked up the phone."

[1:09 of Kenny G hold music]

Telemarketer: "Hello, thank you for holding. My name is Jasmine. How are you doing today?"

Me: "I'd be doing a lot better if I didn't have to suffer through that hold music. I feel like my ears were just waterboarded."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I know, I know. I asked them to change it, but they never did."

Me: "You never asked them to change it. Get out of here."

Telemarketer: [awkward silence]

Me: "OK, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to play a really bad song for you through my computer speakers. If you listen to the entire thing, I'll listen to whatever sales pitch you have for me. Deal?"

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "Uh...are you serious?"

Me: "Absolutely. Do we have a deal."

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "OK, we have a deal."

Me: "OK, I have the song queued up. I'm going to put you on speakerphone so you can hear it and I can see that you're still on the other line. Are you ready?"

Telemarketer: "I guess."

Me: "Great. Here we go."

[3:45 of Alvin and the Chipmunks - Christmas Song]

Me: "OK Jasmine, you still there?"

Telemarketer: [annoyed] "...yes, I'm still here."

Me: "Oh, one more thing."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "I lied."



  1. I wish telemarketers called me :c

    1. IKR i have a good one right on a piece of paper by my phone

  2. You should have played the one hour version of Nyan cat instead.

  3. Genius. You surely more-deserve a Nobel Peace prize than any recipient in the last 20 years.

  4. Should have go with Epic Sax Guy

  5. The Telemarketer was willing to go through that the least you could have done is listen to them. They get hung up on all day by everyone myself included but they are just people trying to earn a living. I say answer the phone, if there is any pause then make a game of how quickly you can end the call. You win if you don't hear their voice by the time you hang up the phone. I completely avoid telemarketers myself so I understand the frustration, ask to be taken out of their system every time you get stuck talking to them.

    1. They can earn a living doing something else. They CHOSE this job knowing full well they are ripping people off & invading people's privacy. Also, they will not take you off their lists even if you ask them to. They also seem to think they do not have to comply with the National Do Not Call List.

      They deserve EVERY bit of shit they get and worse.

  6. Telemarketers are evil.. nuff said.

  7. Should have used this song...

  8. This one works too: