Kids These Days

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for Michael. Is he available?"

Me: "That's me."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael. I'm calling on behalf of Cellphone Minute Rapers, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Well, to be honest, I could be doing better, Leslie."

Telemarketer: "My name is actually Bradley."

Me: "Oh, you didn't tell me that so I figured I'd guess. You sound like a Leslie. Yeah, it's my son. He's eight years old and he's a total lunatic."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I totally understand, sir. My son is also eight, and he's definitely a handful."

Me: "Your son is also eight? What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "I know, right? Hey, I wanted to get a hold of you tell you about this one of a kind promotion we're running today."

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off. Do you mind holding for just one second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, not a problem."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, put the Nutella back in the fridge and get in the bath tub. I'm not going to tell you again."

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that."

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael."

Me: "Does your son do the condiment thing, too?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, did you say 'condiment thing'?"

Me: "Yeah, the nipple thing. He keeps hiking his shirt up and putting condiments from the fridge all over his nipples."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, I just had to put the phone down because he was lathering up his nips with a jar of Nutella. It looks like Guy Fieri gave him a Cleveland Steamer after a long night at Buffalo Wild Wings."

Telemarketer: "...wow."

Me: "You're telling me, pal. Now what were we talking about? Some kind of special deal or something?"

Telemarketer: [composing himself] "Right. Well today is your lucky day, Michael, because we're offering a one month supply of Dummy Pills with a risk-free trial. That means -- "

Me: [off phone] "BILLY, THAT'S ENOUGH! THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF FOOD" [on phone] "Shoot, I don't mean to keep doing to you, but do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: [frustrated exhale] "I understand, Michael. Yes, I'll hold."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, that is for your mother's sandwiches this week. Now I'm not going to tell you again, get in that bath and scrub yourself down, little mister."

Me: [picks phone back up] "OK, I'm back. That kid is going to be the death of me."

Telemarketer: [pausing] "Oh no, did he get back into that Nutella?"

Me: "I wish. He took two slices of salami and used the Nutella as glue to adhere them to his nipples. I can't take him to day care like that. He was just strutting around the house with no shirt and these giant areolæ. Put a wig on him and he'd look like an eight year old Snookie."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "So yeah. Dummy Pills, right?"

Telemarketer: "Yeah...uh...Dummy Pills are 100% natural and work in tandem with your body's own immune system to -- "

Me: "BILLY!!! WANT ME TO CANCEL THE TRIP TO LEGOLAND?! YOU TAKE THAT PECKER OUT OF THE RELISH!!!"

*click*