Thursday, August 2, 2012

How Quickly Can I Make Them Hang Up? Part III

Telemarketer: "Is Michael available?"

Me: "You want to dock with me?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Wanna dock?"

Telemarketer: "What is docking?"

Me: "Docking is when you place the head of your penis inside the foreskin of another man's penis."


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Segway Flies Straight

Telemarketer: "Yes, may I speak with Michael [redacted], please?"

Me: "You're speakin' at him, brother."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, my name is Randy and I'm calling from America's Lamest Vacations. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh, you know. Ridin' to live, livin' to ride."

Telemarketer: "That sounds good. You have a motorcycle?"

Me: "Segway."

Telemarketer: "Oh, those look like fun!"

Me: "It's not fun, brother. It's a way of life. It's a brotherhood."

Telemarketer: "I know what you mean. Anyway, I'm calling to offer you great deals on the hottest summer vacations in the country! Are you planning any trips this summer or next summer?"

Me: "Just ridin' to Laconia and Sturgis with my road dogs next year, brother."

Telemarketer: "That sounds great! Well like I said, I'm calling from America's Lamest Vacations, and there's a good chance I can get you a great deal on timeshare rentals for both of those destinations. How does that sound?"

Me: "Well, that depends. Can one of them timeshares hold a hundred two wheel warriors and have off street parking for their plastic stallions?"

Telemarketer: "Oh wow, you're going up with that many people?"

Me: "We also got a handful of prospects, but they're not allowed in the house. They sleep in tents outside."

Telemarketer: "Prospects?"

Me: "You might have heard of us. We're a club known as the 'Segways of Anarchy'."

Telemarketer (stifling laughter): "Oh yeah?"


Telemarketer (openly laughing): "Oh wow. That sounds neat."

Me: "Somethin' funny, brother? You mockin' our credo?"

Telemarketer: "Oh no, I'm sorry about that. A coworker just did something funny next to me. That wasn't directed toward you at all, sir."

Me: "No harm no foul, brother."

Telemarketer: "So you'd be looking for a timeshare at either Laconia and what was the other one? Sturgis?"

Me: "That's affirmative. I'm also going to need some information from you about other renters in the area."

Telemarketer: "Sure thing, sir. What do you need?"

Me: "I need to know if there are other clubs renting from you at neighboring properties. Ones we ain't real sympatico with, if you catch my drift."

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. I can check my database to see if anyone has put down deposits under certain organization names."

Me: "I just wanna make sure the Hell's Gyroscopes and that other one aren't settin' up camp near us."

Telemarketer (desperately trying to not laugh): "OK...OK, let me check."

Me: "Check for the Hell's Gyroscopes and the Accountants of Doom."

Telemarketer (laughing hard): "Please hold, sir."

[just over a minute's worth of John Secada's "Just Another Day Without You"] 

Telemarketer: "OK, I'm back. Sorry about the hold, sir. I don't see either of those names in our database, so I think you're all set."

Me: "You sound like a stand up guy, Randy. How would you feel about prospecting for the Segways of Anarchy?"

Telemarketer: "Oh, I don't know about that, sir. I don't have a Segway."

Me: "Don't matter. I can loan you one in the meantime while you're earnin' your patch, brother. You got an old lady?"

Telemarketer: "Old lady?"

Me: "An old lady. You know, a wife or a girlfriend."

Telemarketer: "Oh, yes. I have a girlfriend."

Me: "Well that becomes club property while you're prospectin' for the Segways."

Telemarketer: "Yeahhhh...I don't know about that."

Me: "She got them big ol' titties?"

Telemarketer: "I don't really feel comfortable talking about this, sir."

Me: "If you want it bad enough, you gotta put up with the brotherhood slappin' them speedbags around like a couple of meaty tetherballs."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Slap them puffy nipples right off them shit tits."