Man Child

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "This is Brian with Obnoxious Unlimited, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, are you there?"

Me: "Michael?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, is this Michael?"

Me: [in a totally adult voice] "You want daddy?"

Telemarketer: "Um, yes. Is your daddy available?"

Me: "Daddy's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you get him for me?"

Me: "I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Me: I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "What did you do? I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

Me: "I did a poop in the dishes."

Telemarketer: [struggling not to laugh] "I'm sorry, what did you do?"

Me: "I climbed up on the kitchen counter and I did a doodle in the sink full of dishes."

[Telemarketer goes on mute for several seconds to mask what I can only imagine was a raging torrent of laughter]

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, did you find your daddy for me?"

Me: "He's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you put him on the phone?"

Me: "He puts them out on mommy's belly."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "It smells like poop in here."

Telemarketer: [concerned] "What's that about your mommy's belly?"

Me: "I need to doodle again."

Telemarketer: "OK, I need you do do me a favor. Can you do me a favor?"

Me: "Uh huh."

Telemarketer: "I need you to go and get your daddy. Can you do that for me?"

Me: "It's coming out of my butt."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: [grunting] "It's getting all over the carpet. It smells...like..."

Telemarketer: "Oh. My. God."

Me: "...dirty taco baby [grunting] poopy doodles..."

*click*