What are the Odds?!

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Michael available, please."

Me: "Michael is totally available. Are you available?"

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I sure hope so! Hi Michael, this is Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium."

Me: "Wait, your name is Bernard?"

Telemarketer: "That is correct."

Me: "And you're calling from 877-***-****?!"

Telemarketer: [pause] "Um, yes. That's our main number."

Me: "You've got to be kidding me. I was just about to call you!"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Yeah, you're right here on my call list for the day. 'Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium at 877-***-****'! What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "Wait, YOU were supposed to call ME?"

Me: "I know, right? I feel like I'm on an episode of Lost or something. This is truly amazing!"

Telemarketer: "Why were you supposed to call me? I don't follow."

Me: "I'm in outbound sales as well! What are you selling?"

Telemarketer: "We do sales for a number of companies and products. You had my work's main number listed as my point of contact? Do you have my last name on that list as well?"

Me: "No, but you know how those lists can be. They're always incomplete. Hey, I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about our new promotion over here at GFY Media Group."

Telemarketer: "GFY Media? I've never heard of it."

Me: "Really? We're a publishing house that specializes in niche magazines. I was going to call you today to see if you'd be interested in a special promotion we're running for our flagship publication 'Plumper Dumpers'."

Telemarketer: "What's that? Plumper Dumpers? No, not familiar."

Me: "That's odd. It says here on my list that you inquired about a subscription on our website once but never followed through with it. Anyway, I'll tell you a little bit about it."

Telemarketer: "Um...OK?"

Me: "Plumper Dumpers is a magazine dedicated to ex-child celebrities that have gained a ton of weight since reaching adulthood. You can get them to do these interviews for nickels, it's great. What we do is interview them, talk about their careers now versus how then, and then it goes into a full pictorial spread where we time them to see how quickly they can eat a KFC Double Down while they get fucked in the ass with a splintery table leg. Tina Yothers is absolutely dominating the leader board."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "That being said, you'd be amazed at how many people read it just for the articles. So how many years can I put you down for?"

*click*

Kids These Days

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for Michael. Is he available?"

Me: "That's me."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael. I'm calling on behalf of Cellphone Minute Rapers, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Well, to be honest, I could be doing better, Leslie."

Telemarketer: "My name is actually Bradley."

Me: "Oh, you didn't tell me that so I figured I'd guess. You sound like a Leslie. Yeah, it's my son. He's eight years old and he's a total lunatic."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I totally understand, sir. My son is also eight, and he's definitely a handful."

Me: "Your son is also eight? What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "I know, right? Hey, I wanted to get a hold of you tell you about this one of a kind promotion we're running today."

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off. Do you mind holding for just one second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, not a problem."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, put the Nutella back in the fridge and get in the bath tub. I'm not going to tell you again."

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that."

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael."

Me: "Does your son do the condiment thing, too?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, did you say 'condiment thing'?"

Me: "Yeah, the nipple thing. He keeps hiking his shirt up and putting condiments from the fridge all over his nipples."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, I just had to put the phone down because he was lathering up his nips with a jar of Nutella. It looks like Guy Fieri gave him a Cleveland Steamer after a long night at Buffalo Wild Wings."

Telemarketer: "...wow."

Me: "You're telling me, pal. Now what were we talking about? Some kind of special deal or something?"

Telemarketer: [composing himself] "Right. Well today is your lucky day, Michael, because we're offering a one month supply of Dummy Pills with a risk-free trial. That means -- "

Me: [off phone] "BILLY, THAT'S ENOUGH! THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF FOOD" [on phone] "Shoot, I don't mean to keep doing to you, but do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: [frustrated exhale] "I understand, Michael. Yes, I'll hold."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, that is for your mother's sandwiches this week. Now I'm not going to tell you again, get in that bath and scrub yourself down, little mister."

Me: [picks phone back up] "OK, I'm back. That kid is going to be the death of me."

Telemarketer: [pausing] "Oh no, did he get back into that Nutella?"

Me: "I wish. He took two slices of salami and used the Nutella as glue to adhere them to his nipples. I can't take him to day care like that. He was just strutting around the house with no shirt and these giant areolæ. Put a wig on him and he'd look like an eight year old Snookie."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "So yeah. Dummy Pills, right?"

Telemarketer: "Yeah...uh...Dummy Pills are 100% natural and work in tandem with your body's own immune system to -- "

Me: "BILLY!!! WANT ME TO CANCEL THE TRIP TO LEGOLAND?! YOU TAKE THAT PECKER OUT OF THE RELISH!!!"

*click*

Call Runnings

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available?"

Me: "CULTCHAAAAHHH!!!"

Telemarketer: "...is this Michael?"

Me: "RIDDIMMMM!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "HAILE SELASSIE I!!!"

Telemarketer: "Is this 603- ***-****?"

Me: "DIS TING A RAS CLOT, YA BUMBACLOT RUDE BUOY!!!"

Telemarketer: *click*

Random Tandem

Me: "Hold on a sec. I have another call coming in. I don't know this number. I think it's a telemarketer."

Friend: "Seriously? Are you going to screw with him for your site?"

Me: "I've been wanting to try one out for a while now. Just stay on the other line and follow my lead."

Friend: "Wait, what?"

*switches over*

Telemarketer: "Is Michael available, please."

Me: "Yo, this is Mad Mike. What up?"

Telemarketer: "...Hello, Michael. Leonard with Useless Widgets here. How are you?"

Me: "Oh you know, just wildin' out over here at West Coast Customs. Oh snap, hold on one second."

Telemarketer: "...alright."

*connects friend*

Me: "OOH WHEEEE!!! you know what time it is, Leonard?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "You better tighten up that headset, 'cause I got Xzibit on the line, and it's time to Pimp your Call, big baby! Say hello to Leonard, Xzibit!"

Friend: "Yo, what up, L?"

Telemarketer: "Um...hello?"

Me: "That's right, Leonard. X to the Z asked us to take that busted ass jalopy of a sales call and straight up pimp that shit!"

Telemarketer: "...wait..."

Me: "See, your old call just had one person you was cold callin', but now you got TWO people to peddle them wares to, B!"

Telemarketer: [silence]

Friend: "Yo dawg, I heard you like sales calls. So we put a call in your call so you can sell while you sell!"

*click*

Pretty Kitty

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! Do you mind holding on a second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, no problem!"

Me: [puts phone down] "Who's daddy's little pretty kitty? Is it you? Are you daddy's special little pretty kitty?"

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that. Yes, this is Michael."

Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. My name is Roger and I'm with Unfocused Marketing, LLC. How are you today, sir?"

Me: "Oh I'm good. Hey, do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. That's fine."

Me: "Great, just one second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Oh you are just the prettiest little kitty kitty kitten. It's true! You are! You are just a precious little bundle of love. Yes you are! You want a little sweet treat? OK, he's a little sweet treat for little kooky kitty. You don't want it out of my hand? Here, eat it right out of daddy's mouth. Theeeeere you go. That's a good pretty kitty. Om nom nom."

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry about that, Roger. What were you saying?"

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael. I'm calling today to introduce potential customers to a wonderful special we're running on MoneyWasters Magazine that could get you up to 30% off a yearly subscription."

Me: "Wow, that sounds like a great deal! I hate to do this to you again, but do you mind holding just one more time?"

Telemarketer: [feigning empathy] "No problem, sir. It happens. Take your time."

Me: "Thanks for understanding, Roger. It'll just be a second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Is that a little poopie on your lil' button nose? Baby pretty kitty munkin' butt, you are stinky! Does't kitty daddy have to give you a bath in the sink? Oh yes you are. Kitty is going to get her little pretty kittie patootie nice and shiny for kitty daddy."

Telemarketer: [muffled laughter]

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry, Roger. I'm back. No more interruptions, I promise."

Telemarketer: "You sound like you have your hands full over there."

Me: "You know it, Roger."

Telemarketer: "New kitten?"

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Telemarketer: "Are you taking care of a kitten over there?"

Me: [pause] "I'm talking to my grandmother."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "Hello? Are you still there, Roger?"

*click*

Callin' Oates

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "Speaking."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, my name is Sarah and I'm with some shitty company you don't care about. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Sarah smile?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Me: [silence]

Telemarketer: "...I wanted to talk to you today about -- "

Me: "She knows what she wants; she's an all-American girl."

Telemarketer [nervous laughter]: "Like I was saying, I wanted to talk to you about unique real estate opportunities in the area."

Me: "You're a rich girl?"

Telemarketer [more awkward laughter]: "Hardly!"

Me: "You're out of touch."

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "I'm out of time."

Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Well what I'm going to say is only going to take two minutes."

Me: "I can't go for that."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorr --"

Me: "NO CAN DO!!!"

*click*

Blood Brothers

Telemarketer: "Hey, is Mike there?"

Me: "This is Mike."

Telemarketer: "Hi Mike, this is Jason with Bothersome Brothers. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh wow. I thought you were my friend there for a second. You know, the way you used 'Mike' and acted all casual."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "Yeah, I like to keep it kind of informal when I make my calls. I find it makes for a much more positive experience for everybody involved."

Me: "Oh totally. Plus you have me thinking we're buddies and you can totally slide that sales pitch into a regular conversation. I like it."

Telemarketer: [laughing again] "Well I'm glad you approve, Mike."

Me: "So what are you up to today, Jason."

Telemarketer: "Well, like I said at the beginning of the phone call, I'm calling on behalf of Bothersome Brothers and I wanted to tell you about a great new vitamin we've developed."

Me: "That sounds great. Why don't you and I meet up after work? We'll have a couple beers and you can tell me all about this vitamin of yours."

Telemarketer: [laughing yet again] "I'll tell you what, a beer sounds pretty good right about now. Why don't I tell you a little bit about PlaceboMax while I'm on the phone with you?"

Me: "Eh, that sounds a little too formal for me. Let's just meet at the bar down the street from my house. We'll do a couple shots, you can tell me about PlacentaMax and maybe we can get a little wild."

Telemarketer: [nervous laughter] "Oh I don't know if I'll be able to make it out tonight. I have a lot of stuff to do when I get home. Back to what I was saying; PlaceboMax is a revolutionary new -- "

Me: "Hey, don't talk to me like we're strangers; we're friends! You call me Mike. I'll call you 'Jas' and we're best pals. Pals for life, Jas. We'll meet up at the Rusty Unicorn, we can do a little coke, drink a little Rumplemintz and maybe we can get into it with a couple of underage Bolivian prostitutes. You know, shit buddies do."

Telemarketer: [pause] " -- PlaceboMax is made of of a proprietary blend of over 30 different essential herbs and minerals that work together to boost your energy levels during the day."

Me: "That sounds great. Bring some of those down with you to the ol' Rusty Unicorn. We'll crush 'em up in the bathroom and snort 'em. We'll do a little heroin, piss in the sink and -- if we're feeling like it's going to be one of those nights -- punch the bartender straight in the tits. It'll be like old times, right 'Jas'?"

Telemarketer: [longer pause] "Sir, if I can't get back to talking to you about PlaceboMax, I'm going to have to terminate this call."

Me: "Sir? SIR?! Jas, why you gotta do me like that? I remember when we were kids and we took that blood brother oath. Now you want to talk to me like you're some kind of telemarketer and I'm a total stranger to you?! I feel like you and I are growing apart."

*click*

A Simpler Time

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]."

Me: "What's that?"

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Bicycle?"

Telemarketer: "MICHAEL."

Me: "Oh dear, sorry about that, dear. My ears aren't what they used to be in my old age."

Telemarketer: "Oh come now, you don't sound that old at all."

Me: "Mold?"

Telemarketer: "OLD."

Me: "You are such a dear. I'm ninety-seven years old, young lady. You do my old heart well."

Telemarketer: [pandering upbeat tone reserved for the elderly] "Wow! That's quite an accomplishment!"

Me: "Are you friends with my granddaughter?"

Telemarketer: "No sir, I'm actually calling today to tell you about a great new way to reduce your pre-existing credit card debt."

Me: "Back in my day, we paid for everything in cash. There was none of those complicated plastic doohickeys you put your money in. We'd sit at the whites only side of the diner and you'd get a frankfurter and a slow gin fizz for $0.03."

Telemarketer: "Gosh! Things have changed over the years a whole lot, huh. Those credit cards can be really complicated for anyone. That's why we offer this great service to help reduce the interest you're paying on them."

Me: "It was a simpler time. Betty Jo would play kick the can in the front yard while I would smoke a cigar in the baby's nursery. We'd sit around the radio much like you kids sit around the television set today. We'd all gather 'round with a bowl full of candied beets and listen to a man that could play the banjo with his feet. Everybody in the neighborhood was a good Christian."

Telemarketer: "That sounds really nice, Mr. [name redacted]. I can definitely appreciate that, being Catholic and all."

Me: "Ah, a Catholic girl, you say? That's very nice."

Telemarketer: "Yes sir!"

Me: "Oh bless your heart. You always knew you were in for a good time if you dated a Catholic girl when I was your age."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "Oh yeah?"

Me: "Oh sure. You knew you were definitely going to be able to fuck her shit box because she was saving her cunt for marriage."

*click*

MC Call Hating

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Mr. [name redacted] in?"

Me: "Dat me. Whaddup?"

Telemarketer: "Hello, Mr. [name redacted]. My name is Benjamin and I'm calling on behalf of Sheisty, Inc. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh you know. I be lampin'. Juss kickin' it with deez hoes, sparkin' up dat herb, you know? Straight marinatin'."

Telemarketer: "That's wonderful. Well I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about you current cell phone service provider?"

Me: "Yeah yeah, no doubt. I'm a tell it to you like this."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

Me: "On the freestyle tip, son. On the strength. Yo, yo, yo -- "

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "I'm straight buggin' -- When I see yo mamma's titties, I be running -- out dat door -- 'cause them shits be so saggy they be hittin' da floor."

*click* 

The Golden Solution

Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"

Me: "This is."

Telemarketer: "Hello, Michael. This is Rachel with The Ruin Your Day Corporation. How are you doing this afternoon."

Me: [getting up] "I'm great, Rachel! Thanks for asking! How are you doing today?"

Telemarketer: "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."

Me: [walking into bathroom] "Well that's just great. What can I help you with today, Rachel?"

Telemarketer: "Well Michael, I wanted to call you today to talk to you about a great new way that thousands of people across the country are getting fit and staying fit."

Me: [lifting toilet seat] "Oh really, no way! You've got to tell me more about this, Rachel. How are people doing this?!"

Telemarketer: "Isn't that amazing? Through our GullibleTron400 Program, people of all body types are -- "

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off, but do you mind if I put you on speakerphone? I just need my hands for a second."

Telemarketer: "No, not at all, Michael."

Me: [putting phone on speaker and setting down next to toilet] "Thanks for being so flexible, Rachel. Now what were you talking about?"

Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. What I was saying was that our new GullibleTron4000 System capitalizes on the rejuvenating effects of --"

[a strong stream of urine loudly echoes through the bathroom and drowns out Rachel's tinny voice]

Me: "I'm sorry, Rachel. What was that? I can't hear you."

Telemarketer: "WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS -- "

Me: "Huh?!"

*click*

Man Child

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "This is Brian with Obnoxious Unlimited, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, are you there?"

Me: "Michael?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, is this Michael?"

Me: [in a totally adult voice] "You want daddy?"

Telemarketer: "Um, yes. Is your daddy available?"

Me: "Daddy's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you get him for me?"

Me: "I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Me: I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "What did you do? I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

Me: "I did a poop in the dishes."

Telemarketer: [struggling not to laugh] "I'm sorry, what did you do?"

Me: "I climbed up on the kitchen counter and I did a doodle in the sink full of dishes."

[Telemarketer goes on mute for several seconds to mask what I can only imagine was a raging torrent of laughter]

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, did you find your daddy for me?"

Me: "He's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you put him on the phone?"

Me: "He puts them out on mommy's belly."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "It smells like poop in here."

Telemarketer: [concerned] "What's that about your mommy's belly?"

Me: "I need to doodle again."

Telemarketer: "OK, I need you do do me a favor. Can you do me a favor?"

Me: "Uh huh."

Telemarketer: "I need you to go and get your daddy. Can you do that for me?"

Me: "It's coming out of my butt."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: [grunting] "It's getting all over the carpet. It smells...like..."

Telemarketer: "Oh. My. God."

Me: "...dirty taco baby [grunting] poopy doodles..."

*click*

You Have Been AlvinBoarded

Telemarketer: [recorded robot voice] "Hello, a representative will be with you in just a moment."

Me: "What the fuck? I just picked up the phone."

[1:09 of Kenny G hold music]

Telemarketer: "Hello, thank you for holding. My name is Jasmine. How are you doing today?"

Me: "I'd be doing a lot better if I didn't have to suffer through that hold music. I feel like my ears were just waterboarded."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I know, I know. I asked them to change it, but they never did."

Me: "You never asked them to change it. Get out of here."

Telemarketer: [awkward silence]

Me: "OK, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to play a really bad song for you through my computer speakers. If you listen to the entire thing, I'll listen to whatever sales pitch you have for me. Deal?"

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "Uh...are you serious?"

Me: "Absolutely. Do we have a deal."

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "OK, we have a deal."

Me: "OK, I have the song queued up. I'm going to put you on speakerphone so you can hear it and I can see that you're still on the other line. Are you ready?"

Telemarketer: "I guess."

Me: "Great. Here we go."

[3:45 of Alvin and the Chipmunks - Christmas Song]

Me: "OK Jasmine, you still there?"

Telemarketer: [annoyed] "...yes, I'm still here."

Me: "Oh, one more thing."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "I lied."

*click*

Godwin's Law

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please?"

Me: "This is he."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, this is Raymond with Global Universal Technical Doohickies Limited. How are you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Raymond Raymond bo Baymond, banana fannah fo Faymond, me my mo Maymond...RAYMOND!!!"

Telemarketer: [pause and uncomfortable laughter] "Yes, sir. That's me. Michael, I'd like to talk to you about an amazing special we're running that's going to save you hundreds of dollars every year."

Me: "Michael Michael bo Bichael, banana fannah for Fichael, me my mo...shit, that's Michael again."

Telemarketer: [deafening silence]

Me: "I'm just messing around with you, Raymond. I'd love to hear more about this special of yours."

Telemarketer: "OK, sir. What we're offering is -- "

Me: "Hitler Hitler bo Bitler, banana fannah fo Fitler, me my mo -- "

Telemarketer: *click*

Talking Head vs. Talking Heads

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "Yep."

Telemarketer: "How are you doing today, sir? This is Randy with Random Spammer Service."

Me: "Letting the daaaaaaaaaaaaays go by -- telemarketer makes dumb sounds."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what?"

Me: "Letting the daaaaaaaaaays go by -- telemarketer's grave is in the ground."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever wa -"

Telemarketer: *click*

Who's on First?!

Telemarketer: "Thank you for calling Yadda Blah Blah, this is Deidre. How may I assist you?"

Me: "What?"

Telemarketer: "Thank you for -- "

Me: "No no no, you called me."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. How may I assist you?"

Me: "You called me, Deidre. I have no idea how you can assist me because I didn't ask for assistance."

Telemarketer: "May I get your first name?"

Me: "You don't even know my name? You're killing me, here."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry about the inconvenience, sir. May I get your first name to get started?"

Me: [three second pause] "Thank you for calling Liebowitz, Liebowitz and Liebowitz. This is Liebowitz speaking. How may I assist you?"

Telemarketer: "OK, Mr. Liebowitz, can I get your first name?"

Me: "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. How may I assist you?"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Let's start by getting your last name, Deidre."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that, Deidre. Do you remember your account number?"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "I'm sorry, Deidre. The only way you're going to be able to access your account is to provide me your account number or by answering your preset security question."

Telemarketer: "Were you...I..."

Me: "OK, your security question is: 'where is the dumbest person you will ever meet currently located?' Do you remember your answer?"

Telemarketer: [exasperated sigh]

Me: "Ooh, I'm sorry Deidre. The correct answer is 'a mirror'."

Telemarketer: *click*