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Friday, April 13, 2012

Blood Brothers

Telemarketer: "Hey, is Mike there?"

Me: "This is Mike."

Telemarketer: "Hi Mike, this is Jason with Bothersome Brothers. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh wow. I thought you were my friend there for a second. You know, the way you used 'Mike' and acted all casual."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "Yeah, I like to keep it kind of informal when I make my calls. I find it makes for a much more positive experience for everybody involved."

Me: "Oh totally. Plus you have me thinking we're buddies and you can totally slide that sales pitch into a regular conversation. I like it."

Telemarketer: [laughing again] "Well I'm glad you approve, Mike."

Me: "So what are you up to today, Jason."

Telemarketer: "Well, like I said at the beginning of the phone call, I'm calling on behalf of Bothersome Brothers and I wanted to tell you about a great new vitamin we've developed."

Me: "That sounds great. Why don't you and I meet up after work? We'll have a couple beers and you can tell me all about this vitamin of yours."

Telemarketer: [laughing yet again] "I'll tell you what, a beer sounds pretty good right about now. Why don't I tell you a little bit about PlaceboMax while I'm on the phone with you?"

Me: "Eh, that sounds a little too formal for me. Let's just meet at the bar down the street from my house. We'll do a couple shots, you can tell me about PlacentaMax and maybe we can get a little wild."

Telemarketer: [nervous laughter] "Oh I don't know if I'll be able to make it out tonight. I have a lot of stuff to do when I get home. Back to what I was saying; PlaceboMax is a revolutionary new -- "

Me: "Hey, don't talk to me like we're strangers; we're friends! You call me Mike. I'll call you 'Jas' and we're best pals. Pals for life, Jas. We'll meet up at the Rusty Unicorn, we can do a little coke, drink a little Rumplemintz and maybe we can get into it with a couple of underage Bolivian prostitutes. You know, shit buddies do."

Telemarketer: [pause] " -- PlaceboMax is made of of a proprietary blend of over 30 different essential herbs and minerals that work together to boost your energy levels during the day."

Me: "That sounds great. Bring some of those down with you to the ol' Rusty Unicorn. We'll crush 'em up in the bathroom and snort 'em. We'll do a little heroin, piss in the sink and -- if we're feeling like it's going to be one of those nights -- punch the bartender straight in the tits. It'll be like old times, right 'Jas'?"

Telemarketer: [longer pause] "Sir, if I can't get back to talking to you about PlaceboMax, I'm going to have to terminate this call."

Me: "Sir? SIR?! Jas, why you gotta do me like that? I remember when we were kids and we took that blood brother oath. Now you want to talk to me like you're some kind of telemarketer and I'm a total stranger to you?! I feel like you and I are growing apart."



  1. What your blood brother did unforgivable Mike. We're the three best friends that anyone can have!

  2. Best one yet. I like how you slowly elevated the seriousness of the criminal activities and how he slowly back pedals

  3. I hate it when I receive these kind of calls. I usually ask what's it about and hang up

  4. This one is fake. Who has heard of Brothersome Brothers?

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