Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Man Child; Part II

Telemarketer (recording): "Michael [redacted], this is your last chance to take advantage of a very special offer that will reduce your credit card payments. To speak with one of our representatives and claim this offer, please press 'one'."

Me: *presses one*

Telemarketer (answers): "Your first name?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, hello?"

Me: "No, normally people answer the phone and say 'hello'. I learned that at school."

Telemarketer (amazingly condescending): "OK. Hello."

Me: "Who are you, mister?"

Telemarketer: "Is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "I'm Mikey."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "What's your name?"

Telemarketer (exasperated sigh): "I'm James."

Me: "Daddy is home."

Telemarketer: "Great, can you put him on the phone, please?"

Me: "He's in the basement watching his silly movies. The ones with the ladies that go 'oooooh' and the guys go 'ohhhhh yeahhhhh'."

Telemarketer (holding in laughter): "Oh my god."

Me: "I need to doodle."

Telemarketer: "Why don't you give the phone to your daddy so you can go draw in your coloring book or something?"

Me: "No, I mean doodle. I need to do a doodle out out of my bum bum."

Telemarketer: "OK, then just give the phone to your daddy now so you can like...take care of that."

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer: "Hello?"

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer (openly laughing): "Oh my god."

Me: "It's all over my leg."

Telemarketer: "Jesus Christ. Please just get your dad."

Me: "It smells like poopies and bologna Lunchables."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is your mom there? Maybe you can put her on the phone so you don't interrupt daddy."

Me: "Mommy is at the doctor getting rid of my baby brother."

Telemarketer: "Is your brother not feeling well?"

Me: "He's still in her belly."

Telemarketer: "Oh...oh wow. I...wow."

Me: "My bum bum can't hold the doodles in, mister."

Telemarketer: "Please get your daddy and put him on the phone before you -- "

Me (muffling phone): "Michael what are you doing? WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN SHIT?! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Who the hell is this?"

Telemarketer: "This is James with Credit Fraud USA, sir. I was calling to -- "

Me: "Why you makin' mah son shit his pants?"

Telemarketer: "What? No, I -- "

Me: "I'm in the other room tryin' to crank one out ta Gangbang Robo-Grannies 4000, and you're callin' up mah boy and tellin' him he's gotta shit himself or his momma's going through with the 'bortion?! He's in the corner cryin' and sprayin' diahreea sauce all over mah brandy new Oakley razors."

Telemarketer: "Oh my god, no. Sir -- "

Me: "You look here you fuck wagon, you call here again and I'm a punch yer dick in half."


Monday, July 30, 2012

That's So Raven!

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking a....Michael...[redacted]?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Yeah, you pronounced my last name pretty Raven. Good work."

Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Hi Michael! I'm Everett with MortgageMonkeys. How is your day going?"

Me: "My day is incredibly Raven right now. How about you?"

Telemarketer: "It's, uh...it's good! Our records show that you might be interested in reducing your monthly mortgage payment, so I figured I'd give you a call and let you know about what kind of services we offer that can do that for you!"

Me: "Your records aren't very Raven. I don't have a mortgage."

Telemarketer: "Really? It says you do on my list. I'm really sorry about that."

Me: "That is SO Raven. That might be the most Raven thing I've ever heard."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "You're going off the rails on a Raven Train."

Telemarketer: "Well we also offer credit card payment consolidation. Would that be something you're interested in?"

Me: "Credit card consolidation? That is Raven as fuck. I'll take three of them."

Telemarketer: "Great! You only need one of them, though. We take all of your card payments and turn them into one simple, low loan payment."

Me: "Don't you tell me how Raven I'm allowed to get. Sell me nineteen credit card consolidations right this second. I've got a credit card to pay for them."

Telemarketer: "I...I don't think I'm explaining this well enough. What we offer is -- "


Telemarketer: "Sir, I'm going to end this phone call."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "I won't be sworn at, sir."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Sir?"

Me: "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. You're just doing your job."

Telemarketer: "It's alright, sir. It's just a miscommunication. Now let's get you set up with that credit card consolidation."

Me: "Alright, sounds good."

Telemarketer: "OK, lets start with your home address."

Me: "Very good. Do you have a pen handy?"

Telemarketer: "I sure do!"

Me: "Alright, you ready?"

Telemarketer: "Shoot!"

Me: 473 "Crazy Dumb Stupid Raven Jellybeans Avenue, Baby Tits, Ravenchusetts, 032 -- ."


Friday, July 27, 2012

The Art of Confusion; Part II

Telemarketer: "Hi there. Is Michael available?"

Me: "That is a big affirmative."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael, my name is Rochelle from OldPeopleScammers. How are you doing this morning?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "...OK! Well I'm calling today because of your previous interest in getting the medications you take every day for a fraction of the cost!"

Me: "If a white person takes a brown poop, does a brown person take a white poop?"

Telemarketer: "I didn't catch that?"

Me: "You need to understand that Marmaduke ALWAYS got into trouble."

Telemarketer: "Is your connection OK? I'm having a hard time understanding you."

Me: Where's my Chippy?"

Telemarketer: "Your what?"

Me: "Babies can't even smoke cigarettes. That's ridiculous."

Telemarketer: "Babies?"

Me: "This cup of coffee is out of batteries."

Telemarketer: "I'm having a hard time understanding what you're saying, Michael."

Me: "Kid's Bop."

Telemarketer: *exasperated sigh*

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Michael, are you there?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello?!"

Me: "Patty from the Peanuts comics definitely ate pussy."


Thursday, July 26, 2012

H.P. Hatecraft

Telemarketer: "We have a special offer for Michael [redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "You mean Professor [redacted]?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "My God, man. We haven't heard from him since his last letter, the one he sent before visiting that old, abandoned New England village."

Telemarketer: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

Me: "My name is Professor Ellis L.L. Bean Tampington."

Telemarketer: "Well Professor Tangmittens, I'd be more than willing to extend the same special offer to you since I already have you on the phone."

Me: "Very well, but be quick about it. I must decipher these wretched hieroglyphs before nightfall. God help us all if the clouds are covering the moon."

Telemarketer: "...Um, OK. No problem, Mr. Tankmitang. What I was going to offer Michael was -- "

Me: "Professor [redacted]."

Telemarketer: "Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "He didn't get his doctorate from Arkham just to be called 'Michael'."

Telemarketer: "I'm...I"m sorry."

Me: "Carry on."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Tampeedo, how would you like to go on a gorgeous tropical cruise...for absolutely free?"

Me: "Could I bring my savage stone carvings and notated correspondance from lord Bingingham regarding the Cthulu Mythos?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, those are fine to bring on a cruise. All you need to do is join the TimeshareWalletRapers Club, which is a wonderful program that grants you access to posh timeshares all over the globe for a fraction of the cost! Doesn't that sound great?"

Me: "Are there any properties near the darkened mountains of rural Vermont?"

Telemarketer: "I'm not -- "


Telemarketer: "Whoa whoa whoa. We have a few timeshares at several ski resorts, but they're all really nice!"


Telemarketer: "..."


Telemarketer: "...uh..."


*David, terminate the call.*

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "My God, that demonic voice. It speaks from beyond the curve of starless space!"

*David, terminate the call. Sir, please don't waste my rep's time again."




Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How Quickly can I Make Them Hang Up? Part II

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please."

Me: "Oh man, look what you made me do."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "You made me get dick milk all over my keyboard."


Oh My God

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "This is Michael."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael this is Rachel from -- "

Me: "Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Ohhhh. Myyyyy. God."

Telemarketer: "What happened?"

Me: "I can't believe that just happened."

Telemarketer: "What happened?!"

Me: "Wow."

Telemarketer: "Are you OK?"

Me: "How is that possible?"

Telemarketer: "How is what possible?"

Me: "This is unbelievable."

Telemarketer: "What is?!?"

Me: "Oh my God."

Telemarketer: "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

Me: "Yes."

Telemarketer: "OK, what's wrong?"

Me: "...Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "Michael, is now not a good time to talk?"

Me: "I can't believe it."

Telemarketer: "OK Michael, maybe I'll try back later when things have settled down."

Me: "You have got to be kidding me."

Telemarketer: "WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "MICHAEL, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

Me: "My fart smells like Morgan Freeman."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Oh my god."


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A Very RiFF RaFF Call Hating

The following is a Call Hating comprised almost entirely of lyrics from my favorite Riff Raff tracks. I compiled quotes from several songs into a Word document so I could open it when a telemarketer rang me and read them from the screen at a moment's notice. It took all of my strength not to laugh during this call. Ricey.
 - Mike

Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"

Me: "Ooh, I think you might have the wrong number."

Telemarketer: "Oh no! Is this 603-[redacted]?"

Me: "It is, but this is Jody."

Telemarketer: "Huh. I must have had the wrong name on my list. What's your last name?"

Me: "Highroller. Jody Highroller."

Telemarketer: "OK, let me write that down."

Me: "You also might have me on there as 'Rap Game Pat Sajack'."

Telemarketer (confused giggle): "No...don't seem to have that on there."

Me: "In the black Maybach? No braids?"

Telemarketer: "Braids?"

Me: "Braided up, yes."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "I'm sorry, lil' mama. I didn't mean to ball like this. What's your name?"

Telemarketer: "I'm Linda."

Me: "What can I do for you today, Linda?"

Telemarketer: "Well Jody, I'm calling from Pyramid Schemes Galore, and we're offering a free ticket to attend a once-in-a-lifetime real estate seminar led by famous mogul/con man David Shittington!"

Me: "Real estate, huh. Like castles? I have castles around my heart."

Telemarketer (pause): "...yes sir, have you ever thought about getting into the incredibly lucritive world of real estate? Do you own a home currently?"

Me: "Yes, I currently own a home. Mi casa es four stories. I'm also the proud owner of a candy Cheeto steamboat."

Telemarketer: "...that's...great to hear! This seminar will tell you all about how to leverage the current market to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars, all in your spare time!"

Me: "Hundreds of thousands of dollars?! That's a lot of Versace pythons and teriyaki suits. I done been had the teriyaki suits."

Telemarketer: "Oh, you have a suit collection? My husband has quite the collection himself at home."

Me: "Is they Marc Jacooooobs?"

Telemarketer: "Oh sure. After he went through the David Shittington seminar, we started flipping houses and now he has all the extra money in the world for things like that."

Me: "...and he still makes you work at a call center? Front page of The Source might have Linda wanting a divorce."

Telemarketer (laughing): "Let me start by getting your address so I can send these complimentary tickets out to you."

Me: "I beg your pardon? Olive Garden Aston Martin?"

Telemarketer: "Let me get your -- "

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, can you hear me?"

Me: "Oh, there you are. Sorry about that. Ice in my ear give me brain freeze."

Telemarketer: "Your address? I'll get these tickets right out to you, Jody."

Me: "Why you acting like I didn't bring the rice and pasta?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, are you interested in these tickets or not? I've been talking to you for five minutes now."

Me (trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarkter: "Are you still there. Jody?"

Me (really trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello? Mr. Highroller? are you still on the -- "



Monday, July 23, 2012

Fus Ro Dialtone

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a Mr. [redacted]."

Me: "This be he. Speak."

Telemarketer: "Hello Mr. [redacted]. My name is Richard and I'm calling on behalf of Audible Locusts. How are you you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Just smithing a suit of Daedric armor for ComicCon. How be you, Richard?"

Telemarketer: "Well...that's...neat! I was just calling because we see that you've been pre-approved for a special VIP program that can save you hundreds of dollars on things you buy for the home every day! Isn't that great?"

Me: "I see. What sort of wares does your haberdashery carry? Weapons? Salted meats? The makings for elixirs, perhaps?"

Telemarketer: "...Um...no. You'll have the opportunity to buy things like groceries, cleaning products, home appliances and so much more!"

Me: "Ebony ingots?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Might you trade in ebony ingots? If not, I'd be willing to purchase ebony ore from your trading post and smelt it myself. Either that or barter with cabbages and cheese wheels in my inventory."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, Mr. [redacted]. I don't understand."

Me: "Look Richard, I'm obsessed with Skyrim. I'm not going to lie. The more you get on my level and talk like we're in Skyrim, the better chance you're going to have at getting a sale out of me."

Telemarketer: "You mean the video game?"


Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Let's try this again, OK?"

Telemarketer: "...OK?"

Me: *ahem* "Now what wares would you sell your Thane?"

Telemarketer: "Can I put you on hold for just one minute, sir?"

Me: "As you wish, shop keep."

*two minutes of the muzak version of Hall and Oates's "Method of Modern Love*

Telemarketer: "Sorry about the hold, Mr. [name redacted]."

Me: "Worry not, citizen of Whiterun. I rested for eight hours, but was not able to reap the sleep bonus due to my Werewolf blood."

Telemarketer: "Like we were talking about earlier, we have lots of things you normally buy for the home, but for pennies on the dollar! Perfect for a...'Doverkeen'!"

Me: "It's 'Dovahkiin'."

Telemarketer: "Yes...Doverkeek. You can also purchase many food items to eat while you're playing Skyrim, like a wide assortment of chips and sodas."

Me: "You assume I'm a stout fellow who gorges on unsavories?! I'll have you know I've walked the length of Tamriel countless times! What else have you for sale or trade?"

Telemarketer: "I'm glad you asked, Than."

Me: "It's 'Thane'."

Telemarketer: *whispering*

Me: "Are you secretly conversing with someone? I use to be a telemarketer like you...but then I took an arrow to the stupid."

Telemarketer: "What's that? No, sir. Not at all."


Telemarketer: "No! I'm not!"

Me: "Do not attempt to converse with me again until you have leveled up in speechcraft significantly, lest you find yourself on the wrong end of my Wabbajack."


Sunday, July 22, 2012

How Quickly can I Make Them Hang Up? Part I

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please?"

Me: "This is Michael."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, this is Janet from Interruptions, Unlimited. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Janet, I bet you have terrible looking tits."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "They probably look like two limp, greasy fried eggs dangling from a roofing nail."


Friday, July 20, 2012

Haterz Keep Hatin'

Telemarketer: "Yes. Michael, please."

Me: "Are you a hater?"

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Haterz keep hatin'."

Telemarketer (chuckle masking confusion): "Hello Michael, this is Darnell with NeedlessShit Enterprises. How are we doing today?"

Me: "Oh you know, just shakin' these haterz off my back left and right like a dog with fleas, nah mean?"

Telemarketer: "That's, uhhh...that's...good to hear? I'm calling to offer you a special promotion on a skin care line you said you were interested in on of our affiliate websites a while back."

Me: "What website was that? Haterz.com? I don't visit them sites. I got a hater blocker on my firewall, you dig?"

Telemarketer: "It was a while ago, so you might have forgotten about it. It's a revolutionary new skin care line that offers the finest salves and lotions made with 100% natural ingredients."

Me: "Wait...are you hatin' on me?"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Why you gotta hate, Darnell?! I'm just doin' mah thang thang and you all up in my grill hatin' all over mah shit with a hatergram."

Telemarketer: "Sir, I just wanted to offer you a risk free trial so you could try these products you're interested in before you buy them, that's all."

Me: "I'm sorry, Darnell. It's just that all these haterz keep tryin' to stop mah hustle and I got a thick skin for that shit these days. It be like shootin' at Superman. They be spittin' them hater bullets and I be all like 'PING! PING!'"

Telemarketer: "If you give me your address, I can get these products out to you right away."

Me: "I don't need none a dat hater cum in a bottle, Darnell. Whatchu want? You want me to dump all that congealed hater cum all over mah tits and give me a hater rash?! I already TOLD you I was 'llergic to dat hater bizness. You a busted ass hater, Darnell."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Swagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswag."


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hot Enough for You?

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! He's sweating his patootie off. It's a hot one out there. Hot enough for you?"

Telemarketer (polite laughter): "I hear you. It's a hot one out there for sure."

Me: "It sure is. It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk."

Telemarketer (more polite laughter): "I bet! Well my name is Jason, and I'm calling from TeleWorld TimeWasters. We are running a special today that can drastically reduce your credit card debt in just a few steps!"

Me: "Man, it's so hot out there that you could bake a tray of chocolate chip cookies on your dashboard."

Telemarketer (brief pause before less enthusiastic polite laughter): "...When you sign up with TeleWorld TimeWasters, we take all of your back credit card debt and reduce it, leaving you with just one low monthly payment that's easy to manage."

Me: "I'll tell you what, it's so hot outside right now you could boil a baby to death in your swimming pool."

Telemarketer: "...I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part."

Me: "I bet it's so hot out there that when you started crying - you know, because of that dead baby just floating around in that steaming chlorine cauldron you once called your backyard oasis - those tears would immediately evaporate off your face."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "It is SO hot outside today that I bet that baby would be cooked all the way though, and you could just tear into it like a side of slow smoked ribs. I bet that tender baby meat would taste nice."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Those sweet baby meats would just melt in your mouth on a scorcher like today. Just imagine those juices running down your -- "