A Simpler Time

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]."

Me: "What's that?"

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Bicycle?"

Telemarketer: "MICHAEL."

Me: "Oh dear, sorry about that, dear. My ears aren't what they used to be in my old age."

Telemarketer: "Oh come now, you don't sound that old at all."

Me: "Mold?"

Telemarketer: "OLD."

Me: "You are such a dear. I'm ninety-seven years old, young lady. You do my old heart well."

Telemarketer: [pandering upbeat tone reserved for the elderly] "Wow! That's quite an accomplishment!"

Me: "Are you friends with my granddaughter?"

Telemarketer: "No sir, I'm actually calling today to tell you about a great new way to reduce your pre-existing credit card debt."

Me: "Back in my day, we paid for everything in cash. There was none of those complicated plastic doohickeys you put your money in. We'd sit at the whites only side of the diner and you'd get a frankfurter and a slow gin fizz for $0.03."

Telemarketer: "Gosh! Things have changed over the years a whole lot, huh. Those credit cards can be really complicated for anyone. That's why we offer this great service to help reduce the interest you're paying on them."

Me: "It was a simpler time. Betty Jo would play kick the can in the front yard while I would smoke a cigar in the baby's nursery. We'd sit around the radio much like you kids sit around the television set today. We'd all gather 'round with a bowl full of candied beets and listen to a man that could play the banjo with his feet. Everybody in the neighborhood was a good Christian."

Telemarketer: "That sounds really nice, Mr. [name redacted]. I can definitely appreciate that, being Catholic and all."

Me: "Ah, a Catholic girl, you say? That's very nice."

Telemarketer: "Yes sir!"

Me: "Oh bless your heart. You always knew you were in for a good time if you dated a Catholic girl when I was your age."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "Oh yeah?"

Me: "Oh sure. You knew you were definitely going to be able to fuck her shit box because she was saving her cunt for marriage."

*click*