Thursday, July 26, 2012

H.P. Hatecraft

Telemarketer: "We have a special offer for Michael [redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "You mean Professor [redacted]?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "My God, man. We haven't heard from him since his last letter, the one he sent before visiting that old, abandoned New England village."

Telemarketer: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

Me: "My name is Professor Ellis L.L. Bean Tampington."

Telemarketer: "Well Professor Tangmittens, I'd be more than willing to extend the same special offer to you since I already have you on the phone."

Me: "Very well, but be quick about it. I must decipher these wretched hieroglyphs before nightfall. God help us all if the clouds are covering the moon."

Telemarketer: "...Um, OK. No problem, Mr. Tankmitang. What I was going to offer Michael was -- "

Me: "Professor [redacted]."

Telemarketer: "Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "He didn't get his doctorate from Arkham just to be called 'Michael'."

Telemarketer: "I'm...I"m sorry."

Me: "Carry on."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Tampeedo, how would you like to go on a gorgeous tropical cruise...for absolutely free?"

Me: "Could I bring my savage stone carvings and notated correspondance from lord Bingingham regarding the Cthulu Mythos?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, those are fine to bring on a cruise. All you need to do is join the TimeshareWalletRapers Club, which is a wonderful program that grants you access to posh timeshares all over the globe for a fraction of the cost! Doesn't that sound great?"

Me: "Are there any properties near the darkened mountains of rural Vermont?"

Telemarketer: "I'm not -- "

Me: "I WILL NOT GO!!! THERE ARE ANCIENT THINGS IN THOSE DAMNED HILLS THAT WHISPER IN THE DARKNESS!!!"

Telemarketer: "Whoa whoa whoa. We have a few timeshares at several ski resorts, but they're all really nice!"

Me: "THE ANGLES!!! MY GOD, MAN!!! THE ANGLES WILL DRIVE YOU MAD!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "IS THIS CALL RECORDED?!"

Telemarketer: "...uh..."

Me: "YOU MUST DESTROY THE RECORDING!!! DESTROY IT BEFORE THE OLD ONES FIND YOU A THREAT TO THEIR SECRET EXISTANCE!!!"

*David, terminate the call.*

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "My God, that demonic voice. It speaks from beyond the curve of starless space!"

*David, terminate the call. Sir, please don't waste my rep's time again."

Me: "SILENCE, FOUL AGENT OF R'LYEH!!!"

*TERMINATE THE CALL, DAVID.*

*click*

8 comments:

  1. Don't waste the rep's time? What a dick.

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    Replies
    1. That's the best part. I often tell people not to waste my time after I call THEM.

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    2. I know, right? How dare they get upset when THEY are the ones wasting YOUR time?! Telemarketers get exactly what they deserve.

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  2. This was awesome!

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  3. For. The. Win.

    I almost wish I hadn't signed up to the Telephone Preference Service to stop these kind of calls. My evenings are far too quiet now.
    Maybe I'll take up telemarketing to fill the void.

    ;)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Clearly my heart just shattered into millions of pieces, but this is my chance to rebuild it and make it new.

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    ReplyDelete