Monday, July 23, 2012

Fus Ro Dialtone

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a Mr. [redacted]."

Me: "This be he. Speak."

Telemarketer: "Hello Mr. [redacted]. My name is Richard and I'm calling on behalf of Audible Locusts. How are you you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Just smithing a suit of Daedric armor for ComicCon. How be you, Richard?"

Telemarketer: "Well...that's...neat! I was just calling because we see that you've been pre-approved for a special VIP program that can save you hundreds of dollars on things you buy for the home every day! Isn't that great?"

Me: "I see. What sort of wares does your haberdashery carry? Weapons? Salted meats? The makings for elixirs, perhaps?"

Telemarketer: "...Um...no. You'll have the opportunity to buy things like groceries, cleaning products, home appliances and so much more!"

Me: "Ebony ingots?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Might you trade in ebony ingots? If not, I'd be willing to purchase ebony ore from your trading post and smelt it myself. Either that or barter with cabbages and cheese wheels in my inventory."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, Mr. [redacted]. I don't understand."

Me: "Look Richard, I'm obsessed with Skyrim. I'm not going to lie. The more you get on my level and talk like we're in Skyrim, the better chance you're going to have at getting a sale out of me."

Telemarketer: "You mean the video game?"

Me: "IT'S NOT JUST A GAME, RICHARD!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Let's try this again, OK?"

Telemarketer: "...OK?"

Me: *ahem* "Now what wares would you sell your Thane?"

Telemarketer: "Can I put you on hold for just one minute, sir?"

Me: "As you wish, shop keep."

*two minutes of the muzak version of Hall and Oates's "Method of Modern Love*

Telemarketer: "Sorry about the hold, Mr. [name redacted]."

Me: "Worry not, citizen of Whiterun. I rested for eight hours, but was not able to reap the sleep bonus due to my Werewolf blood."

Telemarketer: "Like we were talking about earlier, we have lots of things you normally buy for the home, but for pennies on the dollar! Perfect for a...'Doverkeen'!"

Me: "It's 'Dovahkiin'."

Telemarketer: "Yes...Doverkeek. You can also purchase many food items to eat while you're playing Skyrim, like a wide assortment of chips and sodas."

Me: "You assume I'm a stout fellow who gorges on unsavories?! I'll have you know I've walked the length of Tamriel countless times! What else have you for sale or trade?"

Telemarketer: "I'm glad you asked, Than."

Me: "It's 'Thane'."

Telemarketer: *whispering*

Me: "Are you secretly conversing with someone? I use to be a telemarketer like you...but then I took an arrow to the stupid."

Telemarketer: "What's that? No, sir. Not at all."

Me: "ARE YOU BEING COACHED IN WHAT TO SAY TO THE DRAGONBORN?!?"

Telemarketer: "No! I'm not!"

Me: "Do not attempt to converse with me again until you have leveled up in speechcraft significantly, lest you find yourself on the wrong end of my Wabbajack."

*click*

31 comments:

  1. epic bro. made my day

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  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Can I write penis as a comment?


    Penis.


    Yes, yes I can.
    And you'll never catch me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Best. Comment. Ever.

      Delete
  4. Awesome, really fun, thank you

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  5. Replies
    1. My good sir, you are fake and gay

      Delete
    2. The awkward moment you want to upvote a comment but realize it isn't reddit.

      Side note, sorry for saying "the awkward moment..."

      Delete
    3. Anon is right.

      This is fake. And gay.

      Delete
    4. ANON i feel you i tried to upvote you

      Delete
    5. Your comment is fake.

      Delete
  6. What does it mean to be Dragonborn?

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  7. maybe I'M the dragonborn

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    Replies
    1. but they said i was the dragonborn...

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    2. Nobody pays me in sweetrolls :(

      Delete
  8. I hope someday I get have a call like this on my job... I'm customer service though.

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  9. This shit is gold. Straight gold.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It could be gay gold.

      Delete
  10. I got to thinking, maybe I'm the Dragonborn, and I just don't know it yet!

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  11. This isn't even funny. If you're going to make something up, it should AT LEAST be funny. Don't you agree?

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  12. You deserve a thu'um out! Excellent!

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  13. I wonder... What does the Dragonborn do once he's summoned by the Telemarketers?

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  14. I have big boobs.( . Y . )

    This made my day

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  15. I dont if it's fake. It was still funny
    .

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  16. Does it make you feel better about yourself to say "fake ad gay" Some people just want to see the world burn.

    ReplyDelete
  17. "i used to be a telemarketer like you….. but then i took an arrow to the stupid."
    FAVORITE QUOTE EVER.

    ReplyDelete