The following is a Call Hating comprised almost entirely of lyrics from my favorite Riff Raff tracks. I compiled quotes from several songs into a Word document so I could open it when a telemarketer rang me and read them from the screen at a moment's notice. It took all of my strength not to laugh during this call. Ricey.
Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"
Me: "Ooh, I think you might have the wrong number."
Telemarketer: "Oh no! Is this 603-[redacted]?"
Me: "It is, but this is Jody."
Telemarketer: "Huh. I must have had the wrong name on my list. What's your last name?"
Me: "Highroller. Jody Highroller."
Telemarketer: "OK, let me write that down."
Me: "You also might have me on there as 'Rap Game Pat Sajack'."
Telemarketer (confused giggle): "No...don't seem to have that on there."
Me: "In the black Maybach? No braids?"
Me: "Braided up, yes."
Me: "I'm sorry, lil' mama. I didn't mean to ball like this. What's your name?"
Telemarketer: "I'm Linda."
Me: "What can I do for you today, Linda?"
Telemarketer: "Well Jody, I'm calling from Pyramid Schemes Galore, and we're offering a free ticket to attend a once-in-a-lifetime real estate seminar led by famous mogul/con man David Shittington!"
Me: "Real estate, huh. Like castles? I have castles around my heart."
Telemarketer (pause): "...yes sir, have you ever thought about getting into the incredibly lucritive world of real estate? Do you own a home currently?"
Me: "Yes, I currently own a home. Mi casa es four stories. I'm also the proud owner of a candy Cheeto steamboat."
Telemarketer: "...that's...great to hear! This seminar will tell you all about how to leverage the current market to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars, all in your spare time!"
Me: "Hundreds of thousands of dollars?! That's a lot of Versace pythons and teriyaki suits. I done been had the teriyaki suits."
Telemarketer: "Oh, you have a suit collection? My husband has quite the collection himself at home."
Me: "Is they Marc Jacooooobs?"
Telemarketer: "Oh sure. After he went through the David Shittington seminar, we started flipping houses and now he has all the extra money in the world for things like that."
Me: "...and he still makes you work at a call center? Front page of The Source might have Linda wanting a divorce."
Telemarketer (laughing): "Let me start by getting your address so I can send these complimentary tickets out to you."
Me: "I beg your pardon? Olive Garden Aston Martin?"
Telemarketer: "Let me get your -- "
Telemarketer: "Jody, can you hear me?"
Me: "Oh, there you are. Sorry about that. Ice in my ear give me brain freeze."
Telemarketer: "Your address? I'll get these tickets right out to you, Jody."
Me: "Why you acting like I didn't bring the rice and pasta?"
Telemarketer: "Jody, are you interested in these tickets or not? I've been talking to you for five minutes now."
Me (trying not to laugh): "..."
Telemarkter: "Are you still there. Jody?"
Me (really trying not to laugh): "..."
Telemarketer: "Hello? Mr. Highroller? are you still on the -- "
Me: "SUCK MY DICK WITH A MOTHERFUCKING CONDOM ON!!!"