Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What are the Odds?!

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Michael available, please."

Me: "Michael is totally available. Are you available?"

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I sure hope so! Hi Michael, this is Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium."

Me: "Wait, your name is Bernard?"

Telemarketer: "That is correct."

Me: "And you're calling from 877-***-****?!"

Telemarketer: [pause] "Um, yes. That's our main number."

Me: "You've got to be kidding me. I was just about to call you!"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Yeah, you're right here on my call list for the day. 'Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium at 877-***-****'! What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "Wait, YOU were supposed to call ME?"

Me: "I know, right? I feel like I'm on an episode of Lost or something. This is truly amazing!"

Telemarketer: "Why were you supposed to call me? I don't follow."

Me: "I'm in outbound sales as well! What are you selling?"

Telemarketer: "We do sales for a number of companies and products. You had my work's main number listed as my point of contact? Do you have my last name on that list as well?"

Me: "No, but you know how those lists can be. They're always incomplete. Hey, I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about our new promotion over here at GFY Media Group."

Telemarketer: "GFY Media? I've never heard of it."

Me: "Really? We're a publishing house that specializes in niche magazines. I was going to call you today to see if you'd be interested in a special promotion we're running for our flagship publication 'Plumper Dumpers'."

Telemarketer: "What's that? Plumper Dumpers? No, not familiar."

Me: "That's odd. It says here on my list that you inquired about a subscription on our website once but never followed through with it. Anyway, I'll tell you a little bit about it."

Telemarketer: "Um...OK?"

Me: "Plumper Dumpers is a magazine dedicated to ex-child celebrities that have gained a ton of weight since reaching adulthood. You can get them to do these interviews for nickels, it's great. What we do is interview them, talk about their careers now versus how then, and then it goes into a full pictorial spread where we time them to see how quickly they can eat a KFC Double Down while they get fucked in the ass with a splintery table leg. Tina Yothers is absolutely dominating the leader board."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "That being said, you'd be amazed at how many people read it just for the articles. So how many years can I put you down for?"

*click*

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Kids These Days

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for Michael. Is he available?"

Me: "That's me."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael. I'm calling on behalf of Cellphone Minute Rapers, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Well, to be honest, I could be doing better, Leslie."

Telemarketer: "My name is actually Bradley."

Me: "Oh, you didn't tell me that so I figured I'd guess. You sound like a Leslie. Yeah, it's my son. He's eight years old and he's a total lunatic."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I totally understand, sir. My son is also eight, and he's definitely a handful."

Me: "Your son is also eight? What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "I know, right? Hey, I wanted to get a hold of you tell you about this one of a kind promotion we're running today."

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off. Do you mind holding for just one second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, not a problem."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, put the Nutella back in the fridge and get in the bath tub. I'm not going to tell you again."

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that."

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael."

Me: "Does your son do the condiment thing, too?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, did you say 'condiment thing'?"

Me: "Yeah, the nipple thing. He keeps hiking his shirt up and putting condiments from the fridge all over his nipples."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, I just had to put the phone down because he was lathering up his nips with a jar of Nutella. It looks like Guy Fieri gave him a Cleveland Steamer after a long night at Buffalo Wild Wings."

Telemarketer: "...wow."

Me: "You're telling me, pal. Now what were we talking about? Some kind of special deal or something?"

Telemarketer: [composing himself] "Right. Well today is your lucky day, Michael, because we're offering a one month supply of Dummy Pills with a risk-free trial. That means -- "

Me: [off phone] "BILLY, THAT'S ENOUGH! THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF FOOD" [on phone] "Shoot, I don't mean to keep doing to you, but do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: [frustrated exhale] "I understand, Michael. Yes, I'll hold."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, that is for your mother's sandwiches this week. Now I'm not going to tell you again, get in that bath and scrub yourself down, little mister."

Me: [picks phone back up] "OK, I'm back. That kid is going to be the death of me."

Telemarketer: [pausing] "Oh no, did he get back into that Nutella?"

Me: "I wish. He took two slices of salami and used the Nutella as glue to adhere them to his nipples. I can't take him to day care like that. He was just strutting around the house with no shirt and these giant areolæ. Put a wig on him and he'd look like an eight year old Snookie."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "So yeah. Dummy Pills, right?"

Telemarketer: "Yeah...uh...Dummy Pills are 100% natural and work in tandem with your body's own immune system to -- "

Me: "BILLY!!! WANT ME TO CANCEL THE TRIP TO LEGOLAND?! YOU TAKE THAT PECKER OUT OF THE RELISH!!!"

*click*

Call Runnings

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available?"

Me: "CULTCHAAAAHHH!!!"

Telemarketer: "...is this Michael?"

Me: "RIDDIMMMM!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "HAILE SELASSIE I!!!"

Telemarketer: "Is this 603- ***-****?"

Me: "DIS TING A RAS CLOT, YA BUMBACLOT RUDE BUOY!!!"

Telemarketer: *click*

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Random Tandem

Me: "Hold on a sec. I have another call coming in. I don't know this number. I think it's a telemarketer."

Friend: "Seriously? Are you going to screw with him for your site?"

Me: "I've been wanting to try one out for a while now. Just stay on the other line and follow my lead."

Friend: "Wait, what?"

*switches over*

Telemarketer: "Is Michael available, please."

Me: "Yo, this is Mad Mike. What up?"

Telemarketer: "...Hello, Michael. Leonard with Useless Widgets here. How are you?"

Me: "Oh you know, just wildin' out over here at West Coast Customs. Oh snap, hold on one second."

Telemarketer: "...alright."

*connects friend*

Me: "OOH WHEEEE!!! you know what time it is, Leonard?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "You better tighten up that headset, 'cause I got Xzibit on the line, and it's time to Pimp your Call, big baby! Say hello to Leonard, Xzibit!"

Friend: "Yo, what up, L?"

Telemarketer: "Um...hello?"

Me: "That's right, Leonard. X to the Z asked us to take that busted ass jalopy of a sales call and straight up pimp that shit!"

Telemarketer: "...wait..."

Me: "See, your old call just had one person you was cold callin', but now you got TWO people to peddle them wares to, B!"

Telemarketer: [silence]

Friend: "Yo dawg, I heard you like sales calls. So we put a call in your call so you can sell while you sell!"

*click*

Pretty Kitty

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! Do you mind holding on a second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, no problem!"

Me: [puts phone down] "Who's daddy's little pretty kitty? Is it you? Are you daddy's special little pretty kitty?"

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that. Yes, this is Michael."

Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. My name is Roger and I'm with Unfocused Marketing, LLC. How are you today, sir?"

Me: "Oh I'm good. Hey, do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. That's fine."

Me: "Great, just one second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Oh you are just the prettiest little kitty kitty kitten. It's true! You are! You are just a precious little bundle of love. Yes you are! You want a little sweet treat? OK, he's a little sweet treat for little kooky kitty. You don't want it out of my hand? Here, eat it right out of daddy's mouth. Theeeeere you go. That's a good pretty kitty. Om nom nom."

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry about that, Roger. What were you saying?"

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael. I'm calling today to introduce potential customers to a wonderful special we're running on MoneyWasters Magazine that could get you up to 30% off a yearly subscription."

Me: "Wow, that sounds like a great deal! I hate to do this to you again, but do you mind holding just one more time?"

Telemarketer: [feigning empathy] "No problem, sir. It happens. Take your time."

Me: "Thanks for understanding, Roger. It'll just be a second."

Me: [puts phone down] "Is that a little poopie on your lil' button nose? Baby pretty kitty munkin' butt, you are stinky! Does't kitty daddy have to give you a bath in the sink? Oh yes you are. Kitty is going to get her little pretty kittie patootie nice and shiny for kitty daddy."

Telemarketer: [muffled laughter]

Me: [picks phone back up] "I'm sorry, Roger. I'm back. No more interruptions, I promise."

Telemarketer: "You sound like you have your hands full over there."

Me: "You know it, Roger."

Telemarketer: "New kitten?"

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Telemarketer: "Are you taking care of a kitten over there?"

Me: [pause] "I'm talking to my grandmother."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "Hello? Are you still there, Roger?"

*click*

Monday, April 16, 2012

Callin' Oates

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "Speaking."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, my name is Sarah and I'm with some shitty company you don't care about. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Sarah smile?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Me: [silence]

Telemarketer: "...I wanted to talk to you today about -- "

Me: "She knows what she wants; she's an all-American girl."

Telemarketer [nervous laughter]: "Like I was saying, I wanted to talk to you about unique real estate opportunities in the area."

Me: "You're a rich girl?"

Telemarketer [more awkward laughter]: "Hardly!"

Me: "You're out of touch."

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "I'm out of time."

Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Well what I'm going to say is only going to take two minutes."

Me: "I can't go for that."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorr --"

Me: "NO CAN DO!!!"

*click*

Friday, April 13, 2012

Blood Brothers

Telemarketer: "Hey, is Mike there?"

Me: "This is Mike."

Telemarketer: "Hi Mike, this is Jason with Bothersome Brothers. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh wow. I thought you were my friend there for a second. You know, the way you used 'Mike' and acted all casual."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "Yeah, I like to keep it kind of informal when I make my calls. I find it makes for a much more positive experience for everybody involved."

Me: "Oh totally. Plus you have me thinking we're buddies and you can totally slide that sales pitch into a regular conversation. I like it."

Telemarketer: [laughing again] "Well I'm glad you approve, Mike."

Me: "So what are you up to today, Jason."

Telemarketer: "Well, like I said at the beginning of the phone call, I'm calling on behalf of Bothersome Brothers and I wanted to tell you about a great new vitamin we've developed."

Me: "That sounds great. Why don't you and I meet up after work? We'll have a couple beers and you can tell me all about this vitamin of yours."

Telemarketer: [laughing yet again] "I'll tell you what, a beer sounds pretty good right about now. Why don't I tell you a little bit about PlaceboMax while I'm on the phone with you?"

Me: "Eh, that sounds a little too formal for me. Let's just meet at the bar down the street from my house. We'll do a couple shots, you can tell me about PlacentaMax and maybe we can get a little wild."

Telemarketer: [nervous laughter] "Oh I don't know if I'll be able to make it out tonight. I have a lot of stuff to do when I get home. Back to what I was saying; PlaceboMax is a revolutionary new -- "

Me: "Hey, don't talk to me like we're strangers; we're friends! You call me Mike. I'll call you 'Jas' and we're best pals. Pals for life, Jas. We'll meet up at the Rusty Unicorn, we can do a little coke, drink a little Rumplemintz and maybe we can get into it with a couple of underage Bolivian prostitutes. You know, shit buddies do."

Telemarketer: [pause] " -- PlaceboMax is made of of a proprietary blend of over 30 different essential herbs and minerals that work together to boost your energy levels during the day."

Me: "That sounds great. Bring some of those down with you to the ol' Rusty Unicorn. We'll crush 'em up in the bathroom and snort 'em. We'll do a little heroin, piss in the sink and -- if we're feeling like it's going to be one of those nights -- punch the bartender straight in the tits. It'll be like old times, right 'Jas'?"

Telemarketer: [longer pause] "Sir, if I can't get back to talking to you about PlaceboMax, I'm going to have to terminate this call."

Me: "Sir? SIR?! Jas, why you gotta do me like that? I remember when we were kids and we took that blood brother oath. Now you want to talk to me like you're some kind of telemarketer and I'm a total stranger to you?! I feel like you and I are growing apart."

*click*