A Simpler Time

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]."

Me: "What's that?"

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Bicycle?"

Telemarketer: "MICHAEL."

Me: "Oh dear, sorry about that, dear. My ears aren't what they used to be in my old age."

Telemarketer: "Oh come now, you don't sound that old at all."

Me: "Mold?"

Telemarketer: "OLD."

Me: "You are such a dear. I'm ninety-seven years old, young lady. You do my old heart well."

Telemarketer: [pandering upbeat tone reserved for the elderly] "Wow! That's quite an accomplishment!"

Me: "Are you friends with my granddaughter?"

Telemarketer: "No sir, I'm actually calling today to tell you about a great new way to reduce your pre-existing credit card debt."

Me: "Back in my day, we paid for everything in cash. There was none of those complicated plastic doohickeys you put your money in. We'd sit at the whites only side of the diner and you'd get a frankfurter and a slow gin fizz for $0.03."

Telemarketer: "Gosh! Things have changed over the years a whole lot, huh. Those credit cards can be really complicated for anyone. That's why we offer this great service to help reduce the interest you're paying on them."

Me: "It was a simpler time. Betty Jo would play kick the can in the front yard while I would smoke a cigar in the baby's nursery. We'd sit around the radio much like you kids sit around the television set today. We'd all gather 'round with a bowl full of candied beets and listen to a man that could play the banjo with his feet. Everybody in the neighborhood was a good Christian."

Telemarketer: "That sounds really nice, Mr. [name redacted]. I can definitely appreciate that, being Catholic and all."

Me: "Ah, a Catholic girl, you say? That's very nice."

Telemarketer: "Yes sir!"

Me: "Oh bless your heart. You always knew you were in for a good time if you dated a Catholic girl when I was your age."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "Oh yeah?"

Me: "Oh sure. You knew you were definitely going to be able to fuck her shit box because she was saving her cunt for marriage."

*click*

MC Call Hating

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Mr. [name redacted] in?"

Me: "Dat me. Whaddup?"

Telemarketer: "Hello, Mr. [name redacted]. My name is Benjamin and I'm calling on behalf of Sheisty, Inc. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh you know. I be lampin'. Juss kickin' it with deez hoes, sparkin' up dat herb, you know? Straight marinatin'."

Telemarketer: "That's wonderful. Well I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about you current cell phone service provider?"

Me: "Yeah yeah, no doubt. I'm a tell it to you like this."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

Me: "On the freestyle tip, son. On the strength. Yo, yo, yo -- "

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "I'm straight buggin' -- When I see yo mamma's titties, I be running -- out dat door -- 'cause them shits be so saggy they be hittin' da floor."

*click* 

The Golden Solution

Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"

Me: "This is."

Telemarketer: "Hello, Michael. This is Rachel with The Ruin Your Day Corporation. How are you doing this afternoon."

Me: [getting up] "I'm great, Rachel! Thanks for asking! How are you doing today?"

Telemarketer: "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."

Me: [walking into bathroom] "Well that's just great. What can I help you with today, Rachel?"

Telemarketer: "Well Michael, I wanted to call you today to talk to you about a great new way that thousands of people across the country are getting fit and staying fit."

Me: [lifting toilet seat] "Oh really, no way! You've got to tell me more about this, Rachel. How are people doing this?!"

Telemarketer: "Isn't that amazing? Through our GullibleTron400 Program, people of all body types are -- "

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off, but do you mind if I put you on speakerphone? I just need my hands for a second."

Telemarketer: "No, not at all, Michael."

Me: [putting phone on speaker and setting down next to toilet] "Thanks for being so flexible, Rachel. Now what were you talking about?"

Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. What I was saying was that our new GullibleTron4000 System capitalizes on the rejuvenating effects of --"

[a strong stream of urine loudly echoes through the bathroom and drowns out Rachel's tinny voice]

Me: "I'm sorry, Rachel. What was that? I can't hear you."

Telemarketer: "WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS -- "

Me: "Huh?!"

*click*

Man Child

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "This is Brian with Obnoxious Unlimited, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, are you there?"

Me: "Michael?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, is this Michael?"

Me: [in a totally adult voice] "You want daddy?"

Telemarketer: "Um, yes. Is your daddy available?"

Me: "Daddy's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you get him for me?"

Me: "I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Me: I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "What did you do? I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

Me: "I did a poop in the dishes."

Telemarketer: [struggling not to laugh] "I'm sorry, what did you do?"

Me: "I climbed up on the kitchen counter and I did a doodle in the sink full of dishes."

[Telemarketer goes on mute for several seconds to mask what I can only imagine was a raging torrent of laughter]

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, did you find your daddy for me?"

Me: "He's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you put him on the phone?"

Me: "He puts them out on mommy's belly."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "It smells like poop in here."

Telemarketer: [concerned] "What's that about your mommy's belly?"

Me: "I need to doodle again."

Telemarketer: "OK, I need you do do me a favor. Can you do me a favor?"

Me: "Uh huh."

Telemarketer: "I need you to go and get your daddy. Can you do that for me?"

Me: "It's coming out of my butt."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: [grunting] "It's getting all over the carpet. It smells...like..."

Telemarketer: "Oh. My. God."

Me: "...dirty taco baby [grunting] poopy doodles..."

*click*

You Have Been AlvinBoarded

Telemarketer: [recorded robot voice] "Hello, a representative will be with you in just a moment."

Me: "What the fuck? I just picked up the phone."

[1:09 of Kenny G hold music]

Telemarketer: "Hello, thank you for holding. My name is Jasmine. How are you doing today?"

Me: "I'd be doing a lot better if I didn't have to suffer through that hold music. I feel like my ears were just waterboarded."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I know, I know. I asked them to change it, but they never did."

Me: "You never asked them to change it. Get out of here."

Telemarketer: [awkward silence]

Me: "OK, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to play a really bad song for you through my computer speakers. If you listen to the entire thing, I'll listen to whatever sales pitch you have for me. Deal?"

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "Uh...are you serious?"

Me: "Absolutely. Do we have a deal."

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "OK, we have a deal."

Me: "OK, I have the song queued up. I'm going to put you on speakerphone so you can hear it and I can see that you're still on the other line. Are you ready?"

Telemarketer: "I guess."

Me: "Great. Here we go."

[3:45 of Alvin and the Chipmunks - Christmas Song]

Me: "OK Jasmine, you still there?"

Telemarketer: [annoyed] "...yes, I'm still here."

Me: "Oh, one more thing."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "I lied."

*click*

Godwin's Law

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please?"

Me: "This is he."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, this is Raymond with Global Universal Technical Doohickies Limited. How are you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Raymond Raymond bo Baymond, banana fannah fo Faymond, me my mo Maymond...RAYMOND!!!"

Telemarketer: [pause and uncomfortable laughter] "Yes, sir. That's me. Michael, I'd like to talk to you about an amazing special we're running that's going to save you hundreds of dollars every year."

Me: "Michael Michael bo Bichael, banana fannah for Fichael, me my mo...shit, that's Michael again."

Telemarketer: [deafening silence]

Me: "I'm just messing around with you, Raymond. I'd love to hear more about this special of yours."

Telemarketer: "OK, sir. What we're offering is -- "

Me: "Hitler Hitler bo Bitler, banana fannah fo Fitler, me my mo -- "

Telemarketer: *click*

Talking Head vs. Talking Heads

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "Yep."

Telemarketer: "How are you doing today, sir? This is Randy with Random Spammer Service."

Me: "Letting the daaaaaaaaaaaaays go by -- telemarketer makes dumb sounds."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what?"

Me: "Letting the daaaaaaaaaays go by -- telemarketer's grave is in the ground."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever wa -"

Telemarketer: *click*