Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"
Me: "Speaking."
Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, my name is Sarah and I'm with some shitty company you don't care about. How are you doing today?"
Me: "Sarah smile?"
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"
Me: [silence]
Telemarketer: "...I wanted to talk to you today about -- "
Me: "She knows what she wants; she's an all-American girl."
Telemarketer [nervous laughter]: "Like I was saying, I wanted to talk to you about unique real estate opportunities in the area."
Me: "You're a rich girl?"
Telemarketer [more awkward laughter]: "Hardly!"
Me: "You're out of touch."
Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"
Me: "I'm out of time."
Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Well what I'm going to say is only going to take two minutes."
Me: "I can't go for that."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorr --"
Me: "NO CAN DO!!!"
*click*
Monday, April 16, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Blood Brothers
Telemarketer: "Hey, is Mike there?"
Me: "This is Mike."
Telemarketer: "Hi Mike, this is Jason with Bothersome Brothers. How are you doing today?"
Me: "Oh wow. I thought you were my friend there for a second. You know, the way you used 'Mike' and acted all casual."
Telemarketer: [laughing] "Yeah, I like to keep it kind of informal when I make my calls. I find it makes for a much more positive experience for everybody involved."
Me: "Oh totally. Plus you have me thinking we're buddies and you can totally slide that sales pitch into a regular conversation. I like it."
Telemarketer: [laughing again] "Well I'm glad you approve, Mike."
Me: "So what are you up to today, Jason."
Telemarketer: "Well, like I said at the beginning of the phone call, I'm calling on behalf of Bothersome Brothers and I wanted to tell you about a great new vitamin we've developed."
Me: "That sounds great. Why don't you and I meet up after work? We'll have a couple beers and you can tell me all about this vitamin of yours."
Telemarketer: [laughing yet again] "I'll tell you what, a beer sounds pretty good right about now. Why don't I tell you a little bit about PlaceboMax while I'm on the phone with you?"
Me: "Eh, that sounds a little too formal for me. Let's just meet at the bar down the street from my house. We'll do a couple shots, you can tell me about PlacentaMax and maybe we can get a little wild."
Telemarketer: [nervous laughter] "Oh I don't know if I'll be able to make it out tonight. I have a lot of stuff to do when I get home. Back to what I was saying; PlaceboMax is a revolutionary new -- "
Me: "Hey, don't talk to me like we're strangers; we're friends! You call me Mike. I'll call you 'Jas' and we're best pals. Pals for life, Jas. We'll meet up at the Rusty Unicorn, we can do a little coke, drink a little Rumplemintz and maybe we can get into it with a couple of underage Bolivian prostitutes. You know, shit buddies do."
Telemarketer: [pause] " -- PlaceboMax is made of of a proprietary blend of over 30 different essential herbs and minerals that work together to boost your energy levels during the day."
Me: "That sounds great. Bring some of those down with you to the ol' Rusty Unicorn. We'll crush 'em up in the bathroom and snort 'em. We'll do a little heroin, piss in the sink and -- if we're feeling like it's going to be one of those nights -- punch the bartender straight in the tits. It'll be like old times, right 'Jas'?"
Telemarketer: [longer pause] "Sir, if I can't get back to talking to you about PlaceboMax, I'm going to have to terminate this call."
Me: "Sir? SIR?! Jas, why you gotta do me like that? I remember when we were kids and we took that blood brother oath. Now you want to talk to me like you're some kind of telemarketer and I'm a total stranger to you?! I feel like you and I are growing apart."
*click*
Me: "This is Mike."
Telemarketer: "Hi Mike, this is Jason with Bothersome Brothers. How are you doing today?"
Me: "Oh wow. I thought you were my friend there for a second. You know, the way you used 'Mike' and acted all casual."
Telemarketer: [laughing] "Yeah, I like to keep it kind of informal when I make my calls. I find it makes for a much more positive experience for everybody involved."
Me: "Oh totally. Plus you have me thinking we're buddies and you can totally slide that sales pitch into a regular conversation. I like it."
Telemarketer: [laughing again] "Well I'm glad you approve, Mike."
Me: "So what are you up to today, Jason."
Telemarketer: "Well, like I said at the beginning of the phone call, I'm calling on behalf of Bothersome Brothers and I wanted to tell you about a great new vitamin we've developed."
Me: "That sounds great. Why don't you and I meet up after work? We'll have a couple beers and you can tell me all about this vitamin of yours."
Telemarketer: [laughing yet again] "I'll tell you what, a beer sounds pretty good right about now. Why don't I tell you a little bit about PlaceboMax while I'm on the phone with you?"
Me: "Eh, that sounds a little too formal for me. Let's just meet at the bar down the street from my house. We'll do a couple shots, you can tell me about PlacentaMax and maybe we can get a little wild."
Telemarketer: [nervous laughter] "Oh I don't know if I'll be able to make it out tonight. I have a lot of stuff to do when I get home. Back to what I was saying; PlaceboMax is a revolutionary new -- "
Me: "Hey, don't talk to me like we're strangers; we're friends! You call me Mike. I'll call you 'Jas' and we're best pals. Pals for life, Jas. We'll meet up at the Rusty Unicorn, we can do a little coke, drink a little Rumplemintz and maybe we can get into it with a couple of underage Bolivian prostitutes. You know, shit buddies do."
Telemarketer: [pause] " -- PlaceboMax is made of of a proprietary blend of over 30 different essential herbs and minerals that work together to boost your energy levels during the day."
Me: "That sounds great. Bring some of those down with you to the ol' Rusty Unicorn. We'll crush 'em up in the bathroom and snort 'em. We'll do a little heroin, piss in the sink and -- if we're feeling like it's going to be one of those nights -- punch the bartender straight in the tits. It'll be like old times, right 'Jas'?"
Telemarketer: [longer pause] "Sir, if I can't get back to talking to you about PlaceboMax, I'm going to have to terminate this call."
Me: "Sir? SIR?! Jas, why you gotta do me like that? I remember when we were kids and we took that blood brother oath. Now you want to talk to me like you're some kind of telemarketer and I'm a total stranger to you?! I feel like you and I are growing apart."
*click*
A Simpler Time
Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a...Michael [name redacted]."
Me: "What's that?"
Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"
Me: "Bicycle?"
Telemarketer: "MICHAEL."
Me: "Oh dear, sorry about that, dear. My ears aren't what they used to be in my old age."
Telemarketer: "Oh come now, you don't sound that old at all."
Me: "Mold?"
Telemarketer: "OLD."
Me: "You are such a dear. I'm ninety-seven years old, young lady. You do my old heart well."
Telemarketer: [pandering upbeat tone reserved for the elderly] "Wow! That's quite an accomplishment!"
Me: "Are you friends with my granddaughter?"
Telemarketer: "No sir, I'm actually calling today to tell you about a great new way to reduce your pre-existing credit card debt."
Me: "Back in my day, we paid for everything in cash. There was none of those complicated plastic doohickeys you put your money in. We'd sit at the whites only side of the diner and you'd get a frankfurter and a slow gin fizz for $0.03."
Telemarketer: "Gosh! Things have changed over the years a whole lot, huh. Those credit cards can be really complicated for anyone. That's why we offer this great service to help reduce the interest you're paying on them."
Me: "It was a simpler time. Betty Jo would play kick the can in the front yard while I would smoke a cigar in the baby's nursery. We'd sit around the radio much like you kids sit around the television set today. We'd all gather 'round with a bowl full of candied beets and listen to a man that could play the banjo with his feet. Everybody in the neighborhood was a good Christian."
Telemarketer: "That sounds really nice, Mr. [name redacted]. I can definitely appreciate that, being Catholic and all."
Me: "Ah, a Catholic girl, you say? That's very nice."
Telemarketer: "Yes sir!"
Me: "Oh bless your heart. You always knew you were in for a good time if you dated a Catholic girl when I was your age."
Telemarketer: [laughing] "Oh yeah?"
Me: "Oh sure. You knew you were definitely going to be able to fuck her shit box because she was saving her cunt for marriage."
*click*
Me: "What's that?"
Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"
Me: "Bicycle?"
Telemarketer: "MICHAEL."
Me: "Oh dear, sorry about that, dear. My ears aren't what they used to be in my old age."
Telemarketer: "Oh come now, you don't sound that old at all."
Me: "Mold?"
Telemarketer: "OLD."
Me: "You are such a dear. I'm ninety-seven years old, young lady. You do my old heart well."
Telemarketer: [pandering upbeat tone reserved for the elderly] "Wow! That's quite an accomplishment!"
Me: "Are you friends with my granddaughter?"
Telemarketer: "No sir, I'm actually calling today to tell you about a great new way to reduce your pre-existing credit card debt."
Me: "Back in my day, we paid for everything in cash. There was none of those complicated plastic doohickeys you put your money in. We'd sit at the whites only side of the diner and you'd get a frankfurter and a slow gin fizz for $0.03."
Telemarketer: "Gosh! Things have changed over the years a whole lot, huh. Those credit cards can be really complicated for anyone. That's why we offer this great service to help reduce the interest you're paying on them."
Me: "It was a simpler time. Betty Jo would play kick the can in the front yard while I would smoke a cigar in the baby's nursery. We'd sit around the radio much like you kids sit around the television set today. We'd all gather 'round with a bowl full of candied beets and listen to a man that could play the banjo with his feet. Everybody in the neighborhood was a good Christian."
Telemarketer: "That sounds really nice, Mr. [name redacted]. I can definitely appreciate that, being Catholic and all."
Me: "Ah, a Catholic girl, you say? That's very nice."
Telemarketer: "Yes sir!"
Me: "Oh bless your heart. You always knew you were in for a good time if you dated a Catholic girl when I was your age."
Telemarketer: [laughing] "Oh yeah?"
Me: "Oh sure. You knew you were definitely going to be able to fuck her shit box because she was saving her cunt for marriage."
*click*
Thursday, April 12, 2012
MC Call Hating
Telemarketer: "Yes, is Mr. [name redacted] in?"
Me: "Dat me. Whaddup?"
Telemarketer: "Hello, Mr. [name redacted]. My name is Benjamin and I'm calling on behalf of Sheisty, Inc. How are you doing today?"
Me: "Oh you know. I be lampin'. Juss kickin' it with deez hoes, sparkin' up dat herb, you know? Straight marinatin'."
Me: "Oh you know. I be lampin'. Juss kickin' it with deez hoes, sparkin' up dat herb, you know? Straight marinatin'."
Telemarketer: "That's wonderful. Well I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about you current cell phone service provider?"
Me: "Yeah yeah, no doubt. I'm a tell it to you like this."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."
Me: "On the freestyle tip, son. On the strength. Yo, yo, yo -- "
Telemarketer: [silence]
Me: "Yeah yeah, no doubt. I'm a tell it to you like this."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."
Me: "On the freestyle tip, son. On the strength. Yo, yo, yo -- "
Telemarketer: [silence]
Me: "I'm straight buggin' -- When I see yo mamma's titties, I be running -- out dat door -- 'cause them shits be so saggy they be hittin' da floor."
*click*
*click*
The Golden Solution
Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"
Me: "This is."
Telemarketer: "Hello, Michael. This is Rachel with The Ruin Your Day Corporation. How are you doing this afternoon."
Me: [getting up] "I'm great, Rachel! Thanks for asking! How are you doing today?"
Telemarketer: "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."
Me: [walking into bathroom] "Well that's just great. What can I help you with today, Rachel?"
Telemarketer: "Well Michael, I wanted to call you today to talk to you about a great new way that thousands of people across the country are getting fit and staying fit."
Me: [lifting toilet seat] "Oh really, no way! You've got to tell me more about this, Rachel. How are people doing this?!"
Telemarketer: "Isn't that amazing? Through our GullibleTron400 Program, people of all body types are -- "
Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off, but do you mind if I put you on speakerphone? I just need my hands for a second."
Telemarketer: "No, not at all, Michael."
Me: [putting phone on speaker and setting down next to toilet] "Thanks for being so flexible, Rachel. Now what were you talking about?"
Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. What I was saying was that our new GullibleTron4000 System capitalizes on the rejuvenating effects of --"
[a strong stream of urine loudly echoes through the bathroom and drowns out Rachel's tinny voice]
Me: "I'm sorry, Rachel. What was that? I can't hear you."
Telemarketer: "WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS -- "
Me: "Huh?!"
*click*
Me: "This is."
Telemarketer: "Hello, Michael. This is Rachel with The Ruin Your Day Corporation. How are you doing this afternoon."
Me: [getting up] "I'm great, Rachel! Thanks for asking! How are you doing today?"
Telemarketer: "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."
Me: [walking into bathroom] "Well that's just great. What can I help you with today, Rachel?"
Telemarketer: "Well Michael, I wanted to call you today to talk to you about a great new way that thousands of people across the country are getting fit and staying fit."
Me: [lifting toilet seat] "Oh really, no way! You've got to tell me more about this, Rachel. How are people doing this?!"
Telemarketer: "Isn't that amazing? Through our GullibleTron400 Program, people of all body types are -- "
Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off, but do you mind if I put you on speakerphone? I just need my hands for a second."
Telemarketer: "No, not at all, Michael."
Me: [putting phone on speaker and setting down next to toilet] "Thanks for being so flexible, Rachel. Now what were you talking about?"
Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. What I was saying was that our new GullibleTron4000 System capitalizes on the rejuvenating effects of --"
[a strong stream of urine loudly echoes through the bathroom and drowns out Rachel's tinny voice]
Me: "I'm sorry, Rachel. What was that? I can't hear you."
Telemarketer: "WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS -- "
Me: "Huh?!"
*click*
Man Child
Me: "Hello?"
Telemarketer: "This is Brian with Obnoxious Unlimited, how are you doing today?"
Me: "Hello?"
Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, are you there?"
Me: "Michael?"
Telemarketer: "Yes, is this Michael?"
Me: [in a totally adult voice] "You want daddy?"
Telemarketer: "Um, yes. Is your daddy available?"
Me: "Daddy's smoking cigarettes."
Telemarketer: "Can you get him for me?"
Me: "I don't want him to find out what I did."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"
Me: I don't want him to find out what I did."
Telemarketer: "What did you do? I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
Me: "I did a poop in the dishes."
Telemarketer: [struggling not to laugh] "I'm sorry, what did you do?"
Me: "I climbed up on the kitchen counter and I did a doodle in the sink full of dishes."
[Telemarketer goes on mute for several seconds to mask what I can only imagine was a raging torrent of laughter]
Me: "Hello?"
Telemarketer: "Yes, did you find your daddy for me?"
Me: "He's smoking cigarettes."
Telemarketer: "Can you put him on the phone?"
Me: "He puts them out on mommy's belly."
Telemarketer: "What's that?"
Me: "It smells like poop in here."
Telemarketer: [concerned] "What's that about your mommy's belly?"
Me: "I need to doodle again."
Telemarketer: "OK, I need you do do me a favor. Can you do me a favor?"
Me: "Uh huh."
Telemarketer: "I need you to go and get your daddy. Can you do that for me?"
Me: "It's coming out of my butt."
Telemarketer: "..."
Me: [grunting] "It's getting all over the carpet. It smells...like..."
Telemarketer: "Oh. My. God."
Me: "...dirty taco baby [grunting] poopy doodles..."
*click*
Telemarketer: "This is Brian with Obnoxious Unlimited, how are you doing today?"
Me: "Hello?"
Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, are you there?"
Me: "Michael?"
Telemarketer: "Yes, is this Michael?"
Me: [in a totally adult voice] "You want daddy?"
Telemarketer: "Um, yes. Is your daddy available?"
Me: "Daddy's smoking cigarettes."
Telemarketer: "Can you get him for me?"
Me: "I don't want him to find out what I did."
Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"
Me: I don't want him to find out what I did."
Telemarketer: "What did you do? I'm sure it wasn't that bad."
Me: "I did a poop in the dishes."
Telemarketer: [struggling not to laugh] "I'm sorry, what did you do?"
Me: "I climbed up on the kitchen counter and I did a doodle in the sink full of dishes."
[Telemarketer goes on mute for several seconds to mask what I can only imagine was a raging torrent of laughter]
Me: "Hello?"
Telemarketer: "Yes, did you find your daddy for me?"
Me: "He's smoking cigarettes."
Telemarketer: "Can you put him on the phone?"
Me: "He puts them out on mommy's belly."
Telemarketer: "What's that?"
Me: "It smells like poop in here."
Telemarketer: [concerned] "What's that about your mommy's belly?"
Me: "I need to doodle again."
Telemarketer: "OK, I need you do do me a favor. Can you do me a favor?"
Me: "Uh huh."
Telemarketer: "I need you to go and get your daddy. Can you do that for me?"
Me: "It's coming out of my butt."
Telemarketer: "..."
Me: [grunting] "It's getting all over the carpet. It smells...like..."
Telemarketer: "Oh. My. God."
Me: "...dirty taco baby [grunting] poopy doodles..."
*click*
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
You Have Been AlvinBoarded
Telemarketer: [recorded robot voice] "Hello, a representative will be with you in just a moment."
Me: "What the fuck? I just picked up the phone."
[1:09 of Kenny G hold music]
Telemarketer: "Hello, thank you for holding. My name is Jasmine. How are you doing today?"
Me: "I'd be doing a lot better if I didn't have to suffer through that hold music. I feel like my ears were just waterboarded."
Telemarketer: [laughing] "I know, I know. I asked them to change it, but they never did."
Me: "You never asked them to change it. Get out of here."
Telemarketer: [awkward silence]
Me: "OK, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to play a really bad song for you through my computer speakers. If you listen to the entire thing, I'll listen to whatever sales pitch you have for me. Deal?"
Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "Uh...are you serious?"
Me: "Absolutely. Do we have a deal."
Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "OK, we have a deal."
Me: "OK, I have the song queued up. I'm going to put you on speakerphone so you can hear it and I can see that you're still on the other line. Are you ready?"
Telemarketer: "I guess."
Me: "Great. Here we go."
[3:45 of Alvin and the Chipmunks - Christmas Song]
Me: "OK Jasmine, you still there?"
Telemarketer: [annoyed] "...yes, I'm still here."
Me: "Oh, one more thing."
Telemarketer: "What's that?"
Me: "I lied."
*click*
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