The Golden Solution

Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"

Me: "This is."

Telemarketer: "Hello, Michael. This is Rachel with The Ruin Your Day Corporation. How are you doing this afternoon."

Me: [getting up] "I'm great, Rachel! Thanks for asking! How are you doing today?"

Telemarketer: "I'm doing just fine, thanks for asking."

Me: [walking into bathroom] "Well that's just great. What can I help you with today, Rachel?"

Telemarketer: "Well Michael, I wanted to call you today to talk to you about a great new way that thousands of people across the country are getting fit and staying fit."

Me: [lifting toilet seat] "Oh really, no way! You've got to tell me more about this, Rachel. How are people doing this?!"

Telemarketer: "Isn't that amazing? Through our GullibleTron400 Program, people of all body types are -- "

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off, but do you mind if I put you on speakerphone? I just need my hands for a second."

Telemarketer: "No, not at all, Michael."

Me: [putting phone on speaker and setting down next to toilet] "Thanks for being so flexible, Rachel. Now what were you talking about?"

Telemarketer: "No problem, Michael. What I was saying was that our new GullibleTron4000 System capitalizes on the rejuvenating effects of --"

[a strong stream of urine loudly echoes through the bathroom and drowns out Rachel's tinny voice]

Me: "I'm sorry, Rachel. What was that? I can't hear you."

Telemarketer: "WHAT I WAS SAYING WAS -- "

Me: "Huh?!"

*click*

Man Child

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "This is Brian with Obnoxious Unlimited, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, are you there?"

Me: "Michael?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, is this Michael?"

Me: [in a totally adult voice] "You want daddy?"

Telemarketer: "Um, yes. Is your daddy available?"

Me: "Daddy's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you get him for me?"

Me: "I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what was that?"

Me: I don't want him to find out what I did."

Telemarketer: "What did you do? I'm sure it wasn't that bad."

Me: "I did a poop in the dishes."

Telemarketer: [struggling not to laugh] "I'm sorry, what did you do?"

Me: "I climbed up on the kitchen counter and I did a doodle in the sink full of dishes."

[Telemarketer goes on mute for several seconds to mask what I can only imagine was a raging torrent of laughter]

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Yes, did you find your daddy for me?"

Me: "He's smoking cigarettes."

Telemarketer: "Can you put him on the phone?"

Me: "He puts them out on mommy's belly."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "It smells like poop in here."

Telemarketer: [concerned] "What's that about your mommy's belly?"

Me: "I need to doodle again."

Telemarketer: "OK, I need you do do me a favor. Can you do me a favor?"

Me: "Uh huh."

Telemarketer: "I need you to go and get your daddy. Can you do that for me?"

Me: "It's coming out of my butt."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: [grunting] "It's getting all over the carpet. It smells...like..."

Telemarketer: "Oh. My. God."

Me: "...dirty taco baby [grunting] poopy doodles..."

*click*

You Have Been AlvinBoarded

Telemarketer: [recorded robot voice] "Hello, a representative will be with you in just a moment."

Me: "What the fuck? I just picked up the phone."

[1:09 of Kenny G hold music]

Telemarketer: "Hello, thank you for holding. My name is Jasmine. How are you doing today?"

Me: "I'd be doing a lot better if I didn't have to suffer through that hold music. I feel like my ears were just waterboarded."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I know, I know. I asked them to change it, but they never did."

Me: "You never asked them to change it. Get out of here."

Telemarketer: [awkward silence]

Me: "OK, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to play a really bad song for you through my computer speakers. If you listen to the entire thing, I'll listen to whatever sales pitch you have for me. Deal?"

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "Uh...are you serious?"

Me: "Absolutely. Do we have a deal."

Telemarketer: [3 second pause] "OK, we have a deal."

Me: "OK, I have the song queued up. I'm going to put you on speakerphone so you can hear it and I can see that you're still on the other line. Are you ready?"

Telemarketer: "I guess."

Me: "Great. Here we go."

[3:45 of Alvin and the Chipmunks - Christmas Song]

Me: "OK Jasmine, you still there?"

Telemarketer: [annoyed] "...yes, I'm still here."

Me: "Oh, one more thing."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "I lied."

*click*

Godwin's Law

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please?"

Me: "This is he."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, this is Raymond with Global Universal Technical Doohickies Limited. How are you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Raymond Raymond bo Baymond, banana fannah fo Faymond, me my mo Maymond...RAYMOND!!!"

Telemarketer: [pause and uncomfortable laughter] "Yes, sir. That's me. Michael, I'd like to talk to you about an amazing special we're running that's going to save you hundreds of dollars every year."

Me: "Michael Michael bo Bichael, banana fannah for Fichael, me my mo...shit, that's Michael again."

Telemarketer: [deafening silence]

Me: "I'm just messing around with you, Raymond. I'd love to hear more about this special of yours."

Telemarketer: "OK, sir. What we're offering is -- "

Me: "Hitler Hitler bo Bitler, banana fannah fo Fitler, me my mo -- "

Telemarketer: *click*

Talking Head vs. Talking Heads

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "Yep."

Telemarketer: "How are you doing today, sir? This is Randy with Random Spammer Service."

Me: "Letting the daaaaaaaaaaaaays go by -- telemarketer makes dumb sounds."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what?"

Me: "Letting the daaaaaaaaaays go by -- telemarketer's grave is in the ground."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was. Same as it ever wa -"

Telemarketer: *click*

Who's on First?!

Telemarketer: "Thank you for calling Yadda Blah Blah, this is Deidre. How may I assist you?"

Me: "What?"

Telemarketer: "Thank you for -- "

Me: "No no no, you called me."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry to hear that, sir. How may I assist you?"

Me: "You called me, Deidre. I have no idea how you can assist me because I didn't ask for assistance."

Telemarketer: "May I get your first name?"

Me: "You don't even know my name? You're killing me, here."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry about the inconvenience, sir. May I get your first name to get started?"

Me: [three second pause] "Thank you for calling Liebowitz, Liebowitz and Liebowitz. This is Liebowitz speaking. How may I assist you?"

Telemarketer: "OK, Mr. Liebowitz, can I get your first name?"

Me: "I'm sorry for the inconvenience. How may I assist you?"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Let's start by getting your last name, Deidre."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

Me: "I'm sorry to hear that, Deidre. Do you remember your account number?"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "I'm sorry, Deidre. The only way you're going to be able to access your account is to provide me your account number or by answering your preset security question."

Telemarketer: "Were you...I..."

Me: "OK, your security question is: 'where is the dumbest person you will ever meet currently located?' Do you remember your answer?"

Telemarketer: [exasperated sigh]

Me: "Ooh, I'm sorry Deidre. The correct answer is 'a mirror'."

Telemarketer: *click*