Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Oh My God

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "This is Michael."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael this is Rachel from -- "

Me: "Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Ohhhh. Myyyyy. God."

Telemarketer: "What happened?"

Me: "I can't believe that just happened."

Telemarketer: "What happened?!"

Me: "Wow."

Telemarketer: "Are you OK?"

Me: "How is that possible?"

Telemarketer: "How is what possible?"

Me: "This is unbelievable."

Telemarketer: "What is?!?"

Me: "Oh my God."

Telemarketer: "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

Me: "Yes."

Telemarketer: "OK, what's wrong?"

Me: "...Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "Michael, is now not a good time to talk?"

Me: "I can't believe it."

Telemarketer: "OK Michael, maybe I'll try back later when things have settled down."

Me: "You have got to be kidding me."

Telemarketer: "WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "MICHAEL, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

Me: "My fart smells like Morgan Freeman."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Oh my god."

*click*

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A Very RiFF RaFF Call Hating


The following is a Call Hating comprised almost entirely of lyrics from my favorite Riff Raff tracks. I compiled quotes from several songs into a Word document so I could open it when a telemarketer rang me and read them from the screen at a moment's notice. It took all of my strength not to laugh during this call. Ricey.
 - Mike

Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"

Me: "Ooh, I think you might have the wrong number."

Telemarketer: "Oh no! Is this 603-[redacted]?"

Me: "It is, but this is Jody."

Telemarketer: "Huh. I must have had the wrong name on my list. What's your last name?"

Me: "Highroller. Jody Highroller."

Telemarketer: "OK, let me write that down."

Me: "You also might have me on there as 'Rap Game Pat Sajack'."

Telemarketer (confused giggle): "No...don't seem to have that on there."

Me: "In the black Maybach? No braids?"

Telemarketer: "Braids?"

Me: "Braided up, yes."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "I'm sorry, lil' mama. I didn't mean to ball like this. What's your name?"

Telemarketer: "I'm Linda."

Me: "What can I do for you today, Linda?"

Telemarketer: "Well Jody, I'm calling from Pyramid Schemes Galore, and we're offering a free ticket to attend a once-in-a-lifetime real estate seminar led by famous mogul/con man David Shittington!"

Me: "Real estate, huh. Like castles? I have castles around my heart."

Telemarketer (pause): "...yes sir, have you ever thought about getting into the incredibly lucritive world of real estate? Do you own a home currently?"

Me: "Yes, I currently own a home. Mi casa es four stories. I'm also the proud owner of a candy Cheeto steamboat."

Telemarketer: "...that's...great to hear! This seminar will tell you all about how to leverage the current market to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars, all in your spare time!"

Me: "Hundreds of thousands of dollars?! That's a lot of Versace pythons and teriyaki suits. I done been had the teriyaki suits."

Telemarketer: "Oh, you have a suit collection? My husband has quite the collection himself at home."

Me: "Is they Marc Jacooooobs?"

Telemarketer: "Oh sure. After he went through the David Shittington seminar, we started flipping houses and now he has all the extra money in the world for things like that."

Me: "...and he still makes you work at a call center? Front page of The Source might have Linda wanting a divorce."

Telemarketer (laughing): "Let me start by getting your address so I can send these complimentary tickets out to you."

Me: "I beg your pardon? Olive Garden Aston Martin?"

Telemarketer: "Let me get your -- "

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, can you hear me?"

Me: "Oh, there you are. Sorry about that. Ice in my ear give me brain freeze."

Telemarketer: "Your address? I'll get these tickets right out to you, Jody."

Me: "Why you acting like I didn't bring the rice and pasta?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, are you interested in these tickets or not? I've been talking to you for five minutes now."

Me (trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarkter: "Are you still there. Jody?"

Me (really trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello? Mr. Highroller? are you still on the -- "

Me: "SUCK MY DICK WITH A MOTHERFUCKING CONDOM ON!!!"

*click*

Monday, July 23, 2012

Fus Ro Dialtone

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for a Mr. [redacted]."

Me: "This be he. Speak."

Telemarketer: "Hello Mr. [redacted]. My name is Richard and I'm calling on behalf of Audible Locusts. How are you you doing today, sir?"

Me: "Just smithing a suit of Daedric armor for ComicCon. How be you, Richard?"

Telemarketer: "Well...that's...neat! I was just calling because we see that you've been pre-approved for a special VIP program that can save you hundreds of dollars on things you buy for the home every day! Isn't that great?"

Me: "I see. What sort of wares does your haberdashery carry? Weapons? Salted meats? The makings for elixirs, perhaps?"

Telemarketer: "...Um...no. You'll have the opportunity to buy things like groceries, cleaning products, home appliances and so much more!"

Me: "Ebony ingots?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Might you trade in ebony ingots? If not, I'd be willing to purchase ebony ore from your trading post and smelt it myself. Either that or barter with cabbages and cheese wheels in my inventory."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, Mr. [redacted]. I don't understand."

Me: "Look Richard, I'm obsessed with Skyrim. I'm not going to lie. The more you get on my level and talk like we're in Skyrim, the better chance you're going to have at getting a sale out of me."

Telemarketer: "You mean the video game?"

Me: "IT'S NOT JUST A GAME, RICHARD!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Let's try this again, OK?"

Telemarketer: "...OK?"

Me: *ahem* "Now what wares would you sell your Thane?"

Telemarketer: "Can I put you on hold for just one minute, sir?"

Me: "As you wish, shop keep."

*two minutes of the muzak version of Hall and Oates's "Method of Modern Love*

Telemarketer: "Sorry about the hold, Mr. [name redacted]."

Me: "Worry not, citizen of Whiterun. I rested for eight hours, but was not able to reap the sleep bonus due to my Werewolf blood."

Telemarketer: "Like we were talking about earlier, we have lots of things you normally buy for the home, but for pennies on the dollar! Perfect for a...'Doverkeen'!"

Me: "It's 'Dovahkiin'."

Telemarketer: "Yes...Doverkeek. You can also purchase many food items to eat while you're playing Skyrim, like a wide assortment of chips and sodas."

Me: "You assume I'm a stout fellow who gorges on unsavories?! I'll have you know I've walked the length of Tamriel countless times! What else have you for sale or trade?"

Telemarketer: "I'm glad you asked, Than."

Me: "It's 'Thane'."

Telemarketer: *whispering*

Me: "Are you secretly conversing with someone? I use to be a telemarketer like you...but then I took an arrow to the stupid."

Telemarketer: "What's that? No, sir. Not at all."

Me: "ARE YOU BEING COACHED IN WHAT TO SAY TO THE DRAGONBORN?!?"

Telemarketer: "No! I'm not!"

Me: "Do not attempt to converse with me again until you have leveled up in speechcraft significantly, lest you find yourself on the wrong end of my Wabbajack."

*click*

Sunday, July 22, 2012

How Quickly can I Make Them Hang Up? Part I

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please?"

Me: "This is Michael."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, this is Janet from Interruptions, Unlimited. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Janet, I bet you have terrible looking tits."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "They probably look like two limp, greasy fried eggs dangling from a roofing nail."

*click*

Friday, July 20, 2012

Haterz Keep Hatin'

Telemarketer: "Yes. Michael, please."

Me: "Are you a hater?"

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Haterz keep hatin'."

Telemarketer (chuckle masking confusion): "Hello Michael, this is Darnell with NeedlessShit Enterprises. How are we doing today?"

Me: "Oh you know, just shakin' these haterz off my back left and right like a dog with fleas, nah mean?"

Telemarketer: "That's, uhhh...that's...good to hear? I'm calling to offer you a special promotion on a skin care line you said you were interested in on of our affiliate websites a while back."

Me: "What website was that? Haterz.com? I don't visit them sites. I got a hater blocker on my firewall, you dig?"

Telemarketer: "It was a while ago, so you might have forgotten about it. It's a revolutionary new skin care line that offers the finest salves and lotions made with 100% natural ingredients."

Me: "Wait...are you hatin' on me?"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Why you gotta hate, Darnell?! I'm just doin' mah thang thang and you all up in my grill hatin' all over mah shit with a hatergram."

Telemarketer: "Sir, I just wanted to offer you a risk free trial so you could try these products you're interested in before you buy them, that's all."

Me: "I'm sorry, Darnell. It's just that all these haterz keep tryin' to stop mah hustle and I got a thick skin for that shit these days. It be like shootin' at Superman. They be spittin' them hater bullets and I be all like 'PING! PING!'"

Telemarketer: "If you give me your address, I can get these products out to you right away."

Me: "I don't need none a dat hater cum in a bottle, Darnell. Whatchu want? You want me to dump all that congealed hater cum all over mah tits and give me a hater rash?! I already TOLD you I was 'llergic to dat hater bizness. You a busted ass hater, Darnell."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Swagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswagswag."

*click*

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hot Enough for You?

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! He's sweating his patootie off. It's a hot one out there. Hot enough for you?"

Telemarketer (polite laughter): "I hear you. It's a hot one out there for sure."

Me: "It sure is. It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk."

Telemarketer (more polite laughter): "I bet! Well my name is Jason, and I'm calling from TeleWorld TimeWasters. We are running a special today that can drastically reduce your credit card debt in just a few steps!"

Me: "Man, it's so hot out there that you could bake a tray of chocolate chip cookies on your dashboard."

Telemarketer (brief pause before less enthusiastic polite laughter): "...When you sign up with TeleWorld TimeWasters, we take all of your back credit card debt and reduce it, leaving you with just one low monthly payment that's easy to manage."

Me: "I'll tell you what, it's so hot outside right now you could boil a baby to death in your swimming pool."

Telemarketer: "...I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part."

Me: "I bet it's so hot out there that when you started crying - you know, because of that dead baby just floating around in that steaming chlorine cauldron you once called your backyard oasis - those tears would immediately evaporate off your face."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "It is SO hot outside today that I bet that baby would be cooked all the way though, and you could just tear into it like a side of slow smoked ribs. I bet that tender baby meat would taste nice."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Those sweet baby meats would just melt in your mouth on a scorcher like today. Just imagine those juices running down your -- "

*click*