Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Hot Enough for You?

Telemarketer: "Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. [name redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "He sure is! He's sweating his patootie off. It's a hot one out there. Hot enough for you?"

Telemarketer (polite laughter): "I hear you. It's a hot one out there for sure."

Me: "It sure is. It's so hot you could fry an egg on the sidewalk."

Telemarketer (more polite laughter): "I bet! Well my name is Jason, and I'm calling from TeleWorld TimeWasters. We are running a special today that can drastically reduce your credit card debt in just a few steps!"

Me: "Man, it's so hot out there that you could bake a tray of chocolate chip cookies on your dashboard."

Telemarketer (brief pause before less enthusiastic polite laughter): "...When you sign up with TeleWorld TimeWasters, we take all of your back credit card debt and reduce it, leaving you with just one low monthly payment that's easy to manage."

Me: "I'll tell you what, it's so hot outside right now you could boil a baby to death in your swimming pool."

Telemarketer: "...I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that last part."

Me: "I bet it's so hot out there that when you started crying - you know, because of that dead baby just floating around in that steaming chlorine cauldron you once called your backyard oasis - those tears would immediately evaporate off your face."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "It is SO hot outside today that I bet that baby would be cooked all the way though, and you could just tear into it like a side of slow smoked ribs. I bet that tender baby meat would taste nice."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Those sweet baby meats would just melt in your mouth on a scorcher like today. Just imagine those juices running down your -- "

*click*

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

The Art of Confusion

Telemarketer: "Hello, this is Rachel from The Crap Factory, how are you doing today, sir?" 

Me: "Beet beet sugar beet sugar beet beet, sugar beet beeeeet."

Telemarketer: "...would you like to hear what we have - "

Me: "Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience."

Telemarketer: "...we are offering - "

Me: "Haters gonna hate, am I right?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, what?"

Me: "Does it take pennies?"

Telemarketer: "Um..."

Me: "Treat Williams."

*click*

Eddie ̶M̶o̶n̶e̶y̶ Funny

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "Take me home tonight."

Telemarketer: "This is Steven from random company. How are you doing today, sir?"

Me: "I don't want to let you go 'till you see the light, Steven."

Telemarketer [no pause]: "Am I speaking to Michael?"

Me: "Take me home tonight."

Telemarketer: "...is Michael available to speak on the uh, phone?"

Me: "Listen Steven, just like Ronnie sang..."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "BEEEEE MY LITTLE BAAAAAAABAYYYYYYYY!!!"

Telemarketer [laughing]: "Have a good day, sir."

*click*

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

What are the Odds?!

Telemarketer: "Yes, is Michael available, please."

Me: "Michael is totally available. Are you available?"

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I sure hope so! Hi Michael, this is Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium."

Me: "Wait, your name is Bernard?"

Telemarketer: "That is correct."

Me: "And you're calling from 877-***-****?!"

Telemarketer: [pause] "Um, yes. That's our main number."

Me: "You've got to be kidding me. I was just about to call you!"

Telemarketer: "Excuse me?"

Me: "Yeah, you're right here on my call list for the day. 'Bernard with the Shit You Don't Need Emporium at 877-***-****'! What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "Wait, YOU were supposed to call ME?"

Me: "I know, right? I feel like I'm on an episode of Lost or something. This is truly amazing!"

Telemarketer: "Why were you supposed to call me? I don't follow."

Me: "I'm in outbound sales as well! What are you selling?"

Telemarketer: "We do sales for a number of companies and products. You had my work's main number listed as my point of contact? Do you have my last name on that list as well?"

Me: "No, but you know how those lists can be. They're always incomplete. Hey, I was wondering if you had a minute to talk about our new promotion over here at GFY Media Group."

Telemarketer: "GFY Media? I've never heard of it."

Me: "Really? We're a publishing house that specializes in niche magazines. I was going to call you today to see if you'd be interested in a special promotion we're running for our flagship publication 'Plumper Dumpers'."

Telemarketer: "What's that? Plumper Dumpers? No, not familiar."

Me: "That's odd. It says here on my list that you inquired about a subscription on our website once but never followed through with it. Anyway, I'll tell you a little bit about it."

Telemarketer: "Um...OK?"

Me: "Plumper Dumpers is a magazine dedicated to ex-child celebrities that have gained a ton of weight since reaching adulthood. You can get them to do these interviews for nickels, it's great. What we do is interview them, talk about their careers now versus how then, and then it goes into a full pictorial spread where we time them to see how quickly they can eat a KFC Double Down while they get fucked in the ass with a splintery table leg. Tina Yothers is absolutely dominating the leader board."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "That being said, you'd be amazed at how many people read it just for the articles. So how many years can I put you down for?"

*click*

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Kids These Days

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking for Michael. Is he available?"

Me: "That's me."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael. I'm calling on behalf of Cellphone Minute Rapers, how are you doing today?"

Me: "Well, to be honest, I could be doing better, Leslie."

Telemarketer: "My name is actually Bradley."

Me: "Oh, you didn't tell me that so I figured I'd guess. You sound like a Leslie. Yeah, it's my son. He's eight years old and he's a total lunatic."

Telemarketer: [laughing] "I totally understand, sir. My son is also eight, and he's definitely a handful."

Me: "Your son is also eight? What are the odds?!"

Telemarketer: "I know, right? Hey, I wanted to get a hold of you tell you about this one of a kind promotion we're running today."

Me: "I'm sorry to cut you off. Do you mind holding for just one second?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, not a problem."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, put the Nutella back in the fridge and get in the bath tub. I'm not going to tell you again."

Me: [picks phone back up] "Sorry about that."

Telemarketer: "That's quite alright, Michael."

Me: "Does your son do the condiment thing, too?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, did you say 'condiment thing'?"

Me: "Yeah, the nipple thing. He keeps hiking his shirt up and putting condiments from the fridge all over his nipples."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Yeah, I just had to put the phone down because he was lathering up his nips with a jar of Nutella. It looks like Guy Fieri gave him a Cleveland Steamer after a long night at Buffalo Wild Wings."

Telemarketer: "...wow."

Me: "You're telling me, pal. Now what were we talking about? Some kind of special deal or something?"

Telemarketer: [composing himself] "Right. Well today is your lucky day, Michael, because we're offering a one month supply of Dummy Pills with a risk-free trial. That means -- "

Me: [off phone] "BILLY, THAT'S ENOUGH! THAT'S A HUGE WASTE OF FOOD" [on phone] "Shoot, I don't mean to keep doing to you, but do you mind holding again?"

Telemarketer: [frustrated exhale] "I understand, Michael. Yes, I'll hold."

Me: [puts phone down] "Billy, that is for your mother's sandwiches this week. Now I'm not going to tell you again, get in that bath and scrub yourself down, little mister."

Me: [picks phone back up] "OK, I'm back. That kid is going to be the death of me."

Telemarketer: [pausing] "Oh no, did he get back into that Nutella?"

Me: "I wish. He took two slices of salami and used the Nutella as glue to adhere them to his nipples. I can't take him to day care like that. He was just strutting around the house with no shirt and these giant areolæ. Put a wig on him and he'd look like an eight year old Snookie."

Telemarketer: [silence]

Me: "So yeah. Dummy Pills, right?"

Telemarketer: "Yeah...uh...Dummy Pills are 100% natural and work in tandem with your body's own immune system to -- "

Me: "BILLY!!! WANT ME TO CANCEL THE TRIP TO LEGOLAND?! YOU TAKE THAT PECKER OUT OF THE RELISH!!!"

*click*

Call Runnings

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available?"

Me: "CULTCHAAAAHHH!!!"

Telemarketer: "...is this Michael?"

Me: "RIDDIMMMM!!!"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "HAILE SELASSIE I!!!"

Telemarketer: "Is this 603- ***-****?"

Me: "DIS TING A RAS CLOT, YA BUMBACLOT RUDE BUOY!!!"

Telemarketer: *click*