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Thursday, August 2, 2012

How Quickly Can I Make Them Hang Up? Part III

Telemarketer: "Is Michael available?"

Me: "You want to dock with me?"

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Wanna dock?"

Telemarketer: "What is docking?"

Me: "Docking is when you place the head of your penis inside the foreskin of another man's penis."


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The Segway Flies Straight

Telemarketer: "Yes, may I speak with Michael [redacted], please?"

Me: "You're speakin' at him, brother."

Telemarketer: "Hello Michael, my name is Randy and I'm calling from America's Lamest Vacations. How are you doing today?"

Me: "Oh, you know. Ridin' to live, livin' to ride."

Telemarketer: "That sounds good. You have a motorcycle?"

Me: "Segway."

Telemarketer: "Oh, those look like fun!"

Me: "It's not fun, brother. It's a way of life. It's a brotherhood."

Telemarketer: "I know what you mean. Anyway, I'm calling to offer you great deals on the hottest summer vacations in the country! Are you planning any trips this summer or next summer?"

Me: "Just ridin' to Laconia and Sturgis with my road dogs next year, brother."

Telemarketer: "That sounds great! Well like I said, I'm calling from America's Lamest Vacations, and there's a good chance I can get you a great deal on timeshare rentals for both of those destinations. How does that sound?"

Me: "Well, that depends. Can one of them timeshares hold a hundred two wheel warriors and have off street parking for their plastic stallions?"

Telemarketer: "Oh wow, you're going up with that many people?"

Me: "We also got a handful of prospects, but they're not allowed in the house. They sleep in tents outside."

Telemarketer: "Prospects?"

Me: "You might have heard of us. We're a club known as the 'Segways of Anarchy'."

Telemarketer (stifling laughter): "Oh yeah?"


Telemarketer (openly laughing): "Oh wow. That sounds neat."

Me: "Somethin' funny, brother? You mockin' our credo?"

Telemarketer: "Oh no, I'm sorry about that. A coworker just did something funny next to me. That wasn't directed toward you at all, sir."

Me: "No harm no foul, brother."

Telemarketer: "So you'd be looking for a timeshare at either Laconia and what was the other one? Sturgis?"

Me: "That's affirmative. I'm also going to need some information from you about other renters in the area."

Telemarketer: "Sure thing, sir. What do you need?"

Me: "I need to know if there are other clubs renting from you at neighboring properties. Ones we ain't real sympatico with, if you catch my drift."

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. I can check my database to see if anyone has put down deposits under certain organization names."

Me: "I just wanna make sure the Hell's Gyroscopes and that other one aren't settin' up camp near us."

Telemarketer (desperately trying to not laugh): "OK...OK, let me check."

Me: "Check for the Hell's Gyroscopes and the Accountants of Doom."

Telemarketer (laughing hard): "Please hold, sir."

[just over a minute's worth of John Secada's "Just Another Day Without You"] 

Telemarketer: "OK, I'm back. Sorry about the hold, sir. I don't see either of those names in our database, so I think you're all set."

Me: "You sound like a stand up guy, Randy. How would you feel about prospecting for the Segways of Anarchy?"

Telemarketer: "Oh, I don't know about that, sir. I don't have a Segway."

Me: "Don't matter. I can loan you one in the meantime while you're earnin' your patch, brother. You got an old lady?"

Telemarketer: "Old lady?"

Me: "An old lady. You know, a wife or a girlfriend."

Telemarketer: "Oh, yes. I have a girlfriend."

Me: "Well that becomes club property while you're prospectin' for the Segways."

Telemarketer: "Yeahhhh...I don't know about that."

Me: "She got them big ol' titties?"

Telemarketer: "I don't really feel comfortable talking about this, sir."

Me: "If you want it bad enough, you gotta put up with the brotherhood slappin' them speedbags around like a couple of meaty tetherballs."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Slap them puffy nipples right off them shit tits."


Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Man Child; Part II

Telemarketer (recording): "Michael [redacted], this is your last chance to take advantage of a very special offer that will reduce your credit card payments. To speak with one of our representatives and claim this offer, please press 'one'."

Me: *presses one*

Telemarketer (answers): "Your first name?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, hello?"

Me: "No, normally people answer the phone and say 'hello'. I learned that at school."

Telemarketer (amazingly condescending): "OK. Hello."

Me: "Who are you, mister?"

Telemarketer: "Is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "I'm Mikey."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "What's your name?"

Telemarketer (exasperated sigh): "I'm James."

Me: "Daddy is home."

Telemarketer: "Great, can you put him on the phone, please?"

Me: "He's in the basement watching his silly movies. The ones with the ladies that go 'oooooh' and the guys go 'ohhhhh yeahhhhh'."

Telemarketer (holding in laughter): "Oh my god."

Me: "I need to doodle."

Telemarketer: "Why don't you give the phone to your daddy so you can go draw in your coloring book or something?"

Me: "No, I mean doodle. I need to do a doodle out out of my bum bum."

Telemarketer: "OK, then just give the phone to your daddy now so you can like...take care of that."

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer: "Hello?"

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer (openly laughing): "Oh my god."

Me: "It's all over my leg."

Telemarketer: "Jesus Christ. Please just get your dad."

Me: "It smells like poopies and bologna Lunchables."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is your mom there? Maybe you can put her on the phone so you don't interrupt daddy."

Me: "Mommy is at the doctor getting rid of my baby brother."

Telemarketer: "Is your brother not feeling well?"

Me: "He's still in her belly."

Telemarketer: "Oh...oh wow."

Me: "My bum bum can't hold the doodles in, mister."

Telemarketer: "Please get your daddy and put him on the phone before you -- "

Me (muffling phone): "Michael what are you doing? WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN SHIT?! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Who the hell is this?"

Telemarketer: "This is James with Credit Fraud USA, sir. I was calling to -- "

Me: "Why you makin' mah son shit his pants?"

Telemarketer: "What? No, I -- "

Me: "I'm in the other room tryin' to crank one out ta Gangbang Robo-Grannies 4000, and you're callin' up mah boy and tellin' him he's gotta shit himself or his momma's going through with the 'bortion?! He's in the corner cryin' and sprayin' diahreea sauce all over mah brandy new Oakley razors."

Telemarketer: "Oh my god, no. Sir -- "

Me: "You look here you fuck wagon, you call here again and I'm a punch yer dick in half."


Monday, July 30, 2012

That's So Raven!

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking a....Michael...[redacted]?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Yeah, you pronounced my last name pretty Raven. Good work."

Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Hi Michael! I'm Everett with MortgageMonkeys. How is your day going?"

Me: "My day is incredibly Raven right now. How about you?"

Telemarketer: "It's,'s good! Our records show that you might be interested in reducing your monthly mortgage payment, so I figured I'd give you a call and let you know about what kind of services we offer that can do that for you!"

Me: "Your records aren't very Raven. I don't have a mortgage."

Telemarketer: "Really? It says you do on my list. I'm really sorry about that."

Me: "That is SO Raven. That might be the most Raven thing I've ever heard."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "You're going off the rails on a Raven Train."

Telemarketer: "Well we also offer credit card payment consolidation. Would that be something you're interested in?"

Me: "Credit card consolidation? That is Raven as fuck. I'll take three of them."

Telemarketer: "Great! You only need one of them, though. We take all of your card payments and turn them into one simple, low loan payment."

Me: "Don't you tell me how Raven I'm allowed to get. Sell me nineteen credit card consolidations right this second. I've got a credit card to pay for them."

Telemarketer: "I...I don't think I'm explaining this well enough. What we offer is -- "


Telemarketer: "Sir, I'm going to end this phone call."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "I won't be sworn at, sir."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Sir?"

Me: "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. You're just doing your job."

Telemarketer: "It's alright, sir. It's just a miscommunication. Now let's get you set up with that credit card consolidation."

Me: "Alright, sounds good."

Telemarketer: "OK, lets start with your home address."

Me: "Very good. Do you have a pen handy?"

Telemarketer: "I sure do!"

Me: "Alright, you ready?"

Telemarketer: "Shoot!"

Me: 473 "Crazy Dumb Stupid Raven Jellybeans Avenue, Baby Tits, Ravenchusetts, 032 -- ."


Friday, July 27, 2012

The Art of Confusion; Part II

Telemarketer: "Hi there. Is Michael available?"

Me: "That is a big affirmative."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael, my name is Rochelle from OldPeopleScammers. How are you doing this morning?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "...OK! Well I'm calling today because of your previous interest in getting the medications you take every day for a fraction of the cost!"

Me: "If a white person takes a brown poop, does a brown person take a white poop?"

Telemarketer: "I didn't catch that?"

Me: "You need to understand that Marmaduke ALWAYS got into trouble."

Telemarketer: "Is your connection OK? I'm having a hard time understanding you."

Me: Where's my Chippy?"

Telemarketer: "Your what?"

Me: "Babies can't even smoke cigarettes. That's ridiculous."

Telemarketer: "Babies?"

Me: "This cup of coffee is out of batteries."

Telemarketer: "I'm having a hard time understanding what you're saying, Michael."

Me: "Kid's Bop."

Telemarketer: *exasperated sigh*

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Michael, are you there?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello?!"

Me: "Patty from the Peanuts comics definitely ate pussy."


Thursday, July 26, 2012

H.P. Hatecraft

Telemarketer: "We have a special offer for Michael [redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "You mean Professor [redacted]?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "My God, man. We haven't heard from him since his last letter, the one he sent before visiting that old, abandoned New England village."

Telemarketer: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

Me: "My name is Professor Ellis L.L. Bean Tampington."

Telemarketer: "Well Professor Tangmittens, I'd be more than willing to extend the same special offer to you since I already have you on the phone."

Me: "Very well, but be quick about it. I must decipher these wretched hieroglyphs before nightfall. God help us all if the clouds are covering the moon."

Telemarketer: "...Um, OK. No problem, Mr. Tankmitang. What I was going to offer Michael was -- "

Me: "Professor [redacted]."

Telemarketer: "Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "He didn't get his doctorate from Arkham just to be called 'Michael'."

Telemarketer: "I'm...I"m sorry."

Me: "Carry on."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Tampeedo, how would you like to go on a gorgeous tropical cruise...for absolutely free?"

Me: "Could I bring my savage stone carvings and notated correspondance from lord Bingingham regarding the Cthulu Mythos?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, those are fine to bring on a cruise. All you need to do is join the TimeshareWalletRapers Club, which is a wonderful program that grants you access to posh timeshares all over the globe for a fraction of the cost! Doesn't that sound great?"

Me: "Are there any properties near the darkened mountains of rural Vermont?"

Telemarketer: "I'm not -- "


Telemarketer: "Whoa whoa whoa. We have a few timeshares at several ski resorts, but they're all really nice!"


Telemarketer: "..."


Telemarketer: "...uh..."


*David, terminate the call.*

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "My God, that demonic voice. It speaks from beyond the curve of starless space!"

*David, terminate the call. Sir, please don't waste my rep's time again."




Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How Quickly can I Make Them Hang Up? Part II

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please."

Me: "Oh man, look what you made me do."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "You made me get dick milk all over my keyboard."