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Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Man Child; Part II

Telemarketer (recording): "Michael [redacted], this is your last chance to take advantage of a very special offer that will reduce your credit card payments. To speak with one of our representatives and claim this offer, please press 'one'."

Me: *presses one*

Telemarketer (answers): "Your first name?"

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, hello?"

Me: "No, normally people answer the phone and say 'hello'. I learned that at school."

Telemarketer (amazingly condescending): "OK. Hello."

Me: "Who are you, mister?"

Telemarketer: "Is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "I'm Mikey."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is there a parent at home that I can speak with?"

Me: "What's your name?"

Telemarketer (exasperated sigh): "I'm James."

Me: "Daddy is home."

Telemarketer: "Great, can you put him on the phone, please?"

Me: "He's in the basement watching his silly movies. The ones with the ladies that go 'oooooh' and the guys go 'ohhhhh yeahhhhh'."

Telemarketer (holding in laughter): "Oh my god."

Me: "I need to doodle."

Telemarketer: "Why don't you give the phone to your daddy so you can go draw in your coloring book or something?"

Me: "No, I mean doodle. I need to do a doodle out out of my bum bum."

Telemarketer: "OK, then just give the phone to your daddy now so you can like...take care of that."

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer: "Hello?"

Me: *grunting*

Telemarketer (openly laughing): "Oh my god."

Me: "It's all over my leg."

Telemarketer: "Jesus Christ. Please just get your dad."

Me: "It smells like poopies and bologna Lunchables."

Telemarketer: "Mikey, is your mom there? Maybe you can put her on the phone so you don't interrupt daddy."

Me: "Mommy is at the doctor getting rid of my baby brother."

Telemarketer: "Is your brother not feeling well?"

Me: "He's still in her belly."

Telemarketer: "Oh...oh wow."

Me: "My bum bum can't hold the doodles in, mister."

Telemarketer: "Please get your daddy and put him on the phone before you -- "

Me (muffling phone): "Michael what are you doing? WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN SHIT?! WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?!?"

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Who the hell is this?"

Telemarketer: "This is James with Credit Fraud USA, sir. I was calling to -- "

Me: "Why you makin' mah son shit his pants?"

Telemarketer: "What? No, I -- "

Me: "I'm in the other room tryin' to crank one out ta Gangbang Robo-Grannies 4000, and you're callin' up mah boy and tellin' him he's gotta shit himself or his momma's going through with the 'bortion?! He's in the corner cryin' and sprayin' diahreea sauce all over mah brandy new Oakley razors."

Telemarketer: "Oh my god, no. Sir -- "

Me: "You look here you fuck wagon, you call here again and I'm a punch yer dick in half."


Monday, July 30, 2012

That's So Raven!

Telemarketer: "Yes, I'm looking a....Michael...[redacted]?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Yeah, you pronounced my last name pretty Raven. Good work."

Telemarketer: "Oh, OK. Hi Michael! I'm Everett with MortgageMonkeys. How is your day going?"

Me: "My day is incredibly Raven right now. How about you?"

Telemarketer: "It's,'s good! Our records show that you might be interested in reducing your monthly mortgage payment, so I figured I'd give you a call and let you know about what kind of services we offer that can do that for you!"

Me: "Your records aren't very Raven. I don't have a mortgage."

Telemarketer: "Really? It says you do on my list. I'm really sorry about that."

Me: "That is SO Raven. That might be the most Raven thing I've ever heard."

Telemarketer: "What's that?"

Me: "You're going off the rails on a Raven Train."

Telemarketer: "Well we also offer credit card payment consolidation. Would that be something you're interested in?"

Me: "Credit card consolidation? That is Raven as fuck. I'll take three of them."

Telemarketer: "Great! You only need one of them, though. We take all of your card payments and turn them into one simple, low loan payment."

Me: "Don't you tell me how Raven I'm allowed to get. Sell me nineteen credit card consolidations right this second. I've got a credit card to pay for them."

Telemarketer: "I...I don't think I'm explaining this well enough. What we offer is -- "


Telemarketer: "Sir, I'm going to end this phone call."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "I won't be sworn at, sir."

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Sir?"

Me: "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so upset with you. You're just doing your job."

Telemarketer: "It's alright, sir. It's just a miscommunication. Now let's get you set up with that credit card consolidation."

Me: "Alright, sounds good."

Telemarketer: "OK, lets start with your home address."

Me: "Very good. Do you have a pen handy?"

Telemarketer: "I sure do!"

Me: "Alright, you ready?"

Telemarketer: "Shoot!"

Me: 473 "Crazy Dumb Stupid Raven Jellybeans Avenue, Baby Tits, Ravenchusetts, 032 -- ."


Friday, July 27, 2012

The Art of Confusion; Part II

Telemarketer: "Hi there. Is Michael available?"

Me: "That is a big affirmative."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael, my name is Rochelle from OldPeopleScammers. How are you doing this morning?"

Me: "That's so Raven."

Telemarketer: "...OK! Well I'm calling today because of your previous interest in getting the medications you take every day for a fraction of the cost!"

Me: "If a white person takes a brown poop, does a brown person take a white poop?"

Telemarketer: "I didn't catch that?"

Me: "You need to understand that Marmaduke ALWAYS got into trouble."

Telemarketer: "Is your connection OK? I'm having a hard time understanding you."

Me: Where's my Chippy?"

Telemarketer: "Your what?"

Me: "Babies can't even smoke cigarettes. That's ridiculous."

Telemarketer: "Babies?"

Me: "This cup of coffee is out of batteries."

Telemarketer: "I'm having a hard time understanding what you're saying, Michael."

Me: "Kid's Bop."

Telemarketer: *exasperated sigh*

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Is this Michael?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Michael, are you there?"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello?!"

Me: "Patty from the Peanuts comics definitely ate pussy."


Thursday, July 26, 2012

H.P. Hatecraft

Telemarketer: "We have a special offer for Michael [redacted]. Is he available?"

Me: "You mean Professor [redacted]?"

Telemarketer: "Um, sure. Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "My God, man. We haven't heard from him since his last letter, the one he sent before visiting that old, abandoned New England village."

Telemarketer: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

Me: "My name is Professor Ellis L.L. Bean Tampington."

Telemarketer: "Well Professor Tangmittens, I'd be more than willing to extend the same special offer to you since I already have you on the phone."

Me: "Very well, but be quick about it. I must decipher these wretched hieroglyphs before nightfall. God help us all if the clouds are covering the moon."

Telemarketer: "...Um, OK. No problem, Mr. Tankmitang. What I was going to offer Michael was -- "

Me: "Professor [redacted]."

Telemarketer: "Yes, Professor [redacted]."

Me: "He didn't get his doctorate from Arkham just to be called 'Michael'."

Telemarketer: "I'm...I"m sorry."

Me: "Carry on."

Telemarketer: "Mr. Tampeedo, how would you like to go on a gorgeous tropical cruise...for absolutely free?"

Me: "Could I bring my savage stone carvings and notated correspondance from lord Bingingham regarding the Cthulu Mythos?"

Telemarketer: "Sure, those are fine to bring on a cruise. All you need to do is join the TimeshareWalletRapers Club, which is a wonderful program that grants you access to posh timeshares all over the globe for a fraction of the cost! Doesn't that sound great?"

Me: "Are there any properties near the darkened mountains of rural Vermont?"

Telemarketer: "I'm not -- "


Telemarketer: "Whoa whoa whoa. We have a few timeshares at several ski resorts, but they're all really nice!"


Telemarketer: "..."


Telemarketer: "...uh..."


*David, terminate the call.*

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "My God, that demonic voice. It speaks from beyond the curve of starless space!"

*David, terminate the call. Sir, please don't waste my rep's time again."




Wednesday, July 25, 2012

How Quickly can I Make Them Hang Up? Part II

Telemarketer: "Hello, is Michael available please."

Me: "Oh man, look what you made me do."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "You made me get dick milk all over my keyboard."


Oh My God

Telemarketer: "Hi, is this Michael?"

Me: "This is Michael."

Telemarketer: "Hi Michael this is Rachel from -- "

Me: "Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "What?"

Me: "Ohhhh. Myyyyy. God."

Telemarketer: "What happened?"

Me: "I can't believe that just happened."

Telemarketer: "What happened?!"

Me: "Wow."

Telemarketer: "Are you OK?"

Me: "How is that possible?"

Telemarketer: "How is what possible?"

Me: "This is unbelievable."

Telemarketer: "What is?!?"

Me: "Oh my God."

Telemarketer: "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

Me: "Yes."

Telemarketer: "OK, what's wrong?"

Me: "...Oh my god."

Telemarketer: "Michael, is now not a good time to talk?"

Me: "I can't believe it."

Telemarketer: "OK Michael, maybe I'll try back later when things have settled down."

Me: "You have got to be kidding me."

Telemarketer: "WHAT IS GOING ON?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "MICHAEL, WHAT IS HAPPENING?!?!"

Me: "..."

Telemarketer: "ARE YOU STILL THERE?"

Me: "My fart smells like Morgan Freeman."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Oh my god."


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

A Very RiFF RaFF Call Hating

The following is a Call Hating comprised almost entirely of lyrics from my favorite Riff Raff tracks. I compiled quotes from several songs into a Word document so I could open it when a telemarketer rang me and read them from the screen at a moment's notice. It took all of my strength not to laugh during this call. Ricey.
 - Mike

Telemarketer: "Hello, is this Michael?"

Me: "Ooh, I think you might have the wrong number."

Telemarketer: "Oh no! Is this 603-[redacted]?"

Me: "It is, but this is Jody."

Telemarketer: "Huh. I must have had the wrong name on my list. What's your last name?"

Me: "Highroller. Jody Highroller."

Telemarketer: "OK, let me write that down."

Me: "You also might have me on there as 'Rap Game Pat Sajack'."

Telemarketer (confused giggle): "No...don't seem to have that on there."

Me: "In the black Maybach? No braids?"

Telemarketer: "Braids?"

Me: "Braided up, yes."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "I'm sorry, lil' mama. I didn't mean to ball like this. What's your name?"

Telemarketer: "I'm Linda."

Me: "What can I do for you today, Linda?"

Telemarketer: "Well Jody, I'm calling from Pyramid Schemes Galore, and we're offering a free ticket to attend a once-in-a-lifetime real estate seminar led by famous mogul/con man David Shittington!"

Me: "Real estate, huh. Like castles? I have castles around my heart."

Telemarketer (pause): "...yes sir, have you ever thought about getting into the incredibly lucritive world of real estate? Do you own a home currently?"

Me: "Yes, I currently own a home. Mi casa es four stories. I'm also the proud owner of a candy Cheeto steamboat."

Telemarketer: "...that's...great to hear! This seminar will tell you all about how to leverage the current market to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars, all in your spare time!"

Me: "Hundreds of thousands of dollars?! That's a lot of Versace pythons and teriyaki suits. I done been had the teriyaki suits."

Telemarketer: "Oh, you have a suit collection? My husband has quite the collection himself at home."

Me: "Is they Marc Jacooooobs?"

Telemarketer: "Oh sure. After he went through the David Shittington seminar, we started flipping houses and now he has all the extra money in the world for things like that."

Me: "...and he still makes you work at a call center? Front page of The Source might have Linda wanting a divorce."

Telemarketer (laughing): "Let me start by getting your address so I can send these complimentary tickets out to you."

Me: "I beg your pardon? Olive Garden Aston Martin?"

Telemarketer: "Let me get your -- "

Me: "Hello?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, can you hear me?"

Me: "Oh, there you are. Sorry about that. Ice in my ear give me brain freeze."

Telemarketer: "Your address? I'll get these tickets right out to you, Jody."

Me: "Why you acting like I didn't bring the rice and pasta?"

Telemarketer: "Jody, are you interested in these tickets or not? I've been talking to you for five minutes now."

Me (trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarkter: "Are you still there. Jody?"

Me (really trying not to laugh): "..."

Telemarketer: "Hello? Mr. Highroller? are you still on the -- "