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Thursday, May 2, 2013

The Art of Confusion, Part III

Telemarketer Robot: "Hello. Is this Michael [redacted]? If this is Michael [redacted], please stay on the line and a representative will be right with you." 

*Two minutes and fifty eight seconds later*

Telemarketer: "Hello, my name is James. Can I get your first name, please?"

Me: "I used to be so good at Pogs, they used to call me Strawberry Larry at my Bar Mitzvah." 

Telemarketer: "Hi...Larry. I'm James, and I'm with FakeCruizeApalooza, and for taking a quick survey with me, I can get you a free cruise to the Cayman Islands. Doesn't that sound great?"

Me: "Them old boots smell like someone left the baby on the radiator. Start the plane, Short Round!"

Telemarketer: *pause* "OK Larry, let's get started with your last name."

Me: "Bampbampbazamp."

Telemarketer: "I'm sorry, was that Bamazan?"

Me: "My power name is Larry Bampbampbazamp. I'll spell it out for you. B-A-M-P-B-A-M-P-B-A-Z-A-M-P. It's Micronesian."

Telemarketer [pausing to type]: "OK, Larry. You don't mind if I call you Larry, do you? What's your mailing address?"

Me: "76 Main Street."

Telemarketer: "Great. City and state?"

Me: "Intercourse, Pennsylvania."

Telemarketer [holding back laughter]: "Excuse me? What was that again, Larry?"

Me: "Intercourse. You know, putting the big stink on the hang down. Your scary uncle taught you about it after he drank a case of Bud Dry while he was babysitting you. That's the name of my town. Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Born and bred."

Telemarketer: "Please hold one moment."

Me: "I'll tell you what. For taste and more it's En-Cor."

Telemarketer: "..."

Me: "Hello? James?"

*hold music for just under two minutes*

Telemarketer: "OK, Mr. Bampbampbazamp. Sorry about the wait, there. I was just having a hard time inputting your address into the system."

Me: "Hey, my name is Luca and I live on the second floor, right?"

Telemarketer: "...yes, I...agree. Now Larry, what is your current profession?"

Me: "I just parted my pubic hair in the middle to make my tummy sword look like Alfalfa."



  1. I missed you! Glad you're back Mike!

  2. This is the funniest thing i have ever seen ! literally just sat at work and read the entire blog !

  3. I wish you'd post more of these :(

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